Mario Mario and the Unexpected Drama
by gamer4
Summary: Mario and his crew are unexpectedly called upon to perform a play based on one of the Master Hand's favorite movies! What could possibly go wrong? Spin-off of the Mario Mario series! Parody of Pulp Fiction!
1. Who am I this Time?

Gamer4 in! Welcome, everyone, to my newest (kind of) story! For those that follow my other series, Mario Mario, welcome! You all know what's going on here! For those of you that don't, read on, if you will, but as a warning, you're going to be pretty dang lost. This is a retelling of Quentin Tarantino's _Pulp Fiction,_ set in the world of Mario Mario! So, once you wrap your head around the concept of video game characters playing Harry Potter characters acting out _Pulp_ _Fiction,_ you'll have a general idea of what to expect from this story! The story should be... _somewhat_ legible to people unfamiliar with the _Mario Mario_ series, but that's a pretty big _should._ For now, there's nothing new here- this chapter is the same one just posted as the sixteenth chapter to _Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning,_ and is just to set things up. The main story steps in next chapter! So, as ever, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: Ugh, new story, means I technically _have_ to use a legitimate disclaimer for once, instead of just rattling off another line of Gordon Lightfoot's _Don Quixote..._ Alright, just this once. I don't own Super Smash Bros., any video game franchises associated with the latter, any video game franchises at _all_ , for that matter, Harry Potter, or _Pulp Fiction._ This fanfic is just meant to be in good fun... I kill part of my soul whenever I write these things out.

Mario Mario and the Unexpected Drama

Prologue

Who am I this Time?

Mario, Link, Kirby, and Meta Knight all sat at the Nintendo table in the Dining Hall. Link was just concluding one conversation with, "Oh, come on, a morning of toxiecaps and ultimate chimaeras, an afternoon with Lucario, and we don't get _this_ guy until freaking _Thursday?"_

"Well, what can I say, bro? Sometimes, life just ain't fair," Kirby shook his head.

"Yeah, and why is it whenever someone's saying that, they happen to be the ones life's being unfair in favor of?" Link grumbled.

The conversation was interrupted with the arrival of a pair of yellow-furred mouse pokemon. Do pokemon have fur? Any pokemon afficionados out there want to set my facts straight here? Well, whatever. "Hey, guys, how's it going?" Pichu asked, a wide grin on his face, as there was wont to be whenever he was in a conversation involving his red-hatted idol.

"Pretty well, how about you?" Mario asked cautiously.

"Oh, it's awesome! We've actually got some messages for all you guys!"

"All of us?" Link asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yep, you, Mario, Kirby, and Meta!"

"Wow, even us? Always glad to be included!" the twins chanted.

"And one for Zelda too- where is she, by the way? I thought she always hangs out with you two!" Plusle put in, looking around for the blond sorceress. "Big bro said you guys are the strongest group in the whole school! Can't see one without the other two being nearby!"

"Well, usually," Mario shrugged, not noticing Link turning a violent shade of red at these words, "but right now, she's up in the library. Not even we know why."

"Who sent these messages?" Kirby asked. "Kind of strange, isn't it?"

"Yeah, why didn't they send it in the morning, along with the albatrosses?" Meta agreed.

"We can't say!" Pichu said brightly. "He said to give it to you anonymously! Not sure why he didn't send them with the albatrosses, though..."

"Did I hear there's a mystery around?" asked a new voice, as Pit rose from the ground.

"Whoah, Pit, what the heck?" Link cried, jumping back- Pit had just risen right through his seat. "Where even were you?"

"Just hiding in the background in case someone mentioned _mysterious letters!"_ Pit grinned.

"Well, that works out, because we have one for you, too!" Plusle cheered, producing another letter for the ghost.

"I- I do?" Pit asked, caught off guard.

"Yep! Here you go!"

XXXX

Meanwhile, on the other end of the room...

"I just don't see what's so wrong with it!" Robin was saying, currently in female form.

"Nothing necessarily _wrong_ with it," Lucina was in the middle of shrugging, "but it just gets a tad annoying when your best friend is one gender one minute, and the other the next!"

"It's not like I can help it!" Robin objected, her voice dropping several octaves as she abruptly became a he.

"And you just did it again," Lucina muttered, just as a new arrival stepped in.

"Waluigi got a letter for you!" said the new arrival in a very strange voice, drawing Robin and Lucina's attention to the tall boy approaching them, dressed in purple with a crooked moustache.

"A letter?" Lucina asked. "Who from?"

"Waluigi not allowed to say! He said if Waluigi kept quiet, he'd be number lemon!"

"That... that doesn't actually make sense, Wa," Lucina noted, raising an eyebrow.

"Whatever- Waluigi is delivering to you, and Robin, and Waluigi's brother and his friends!"

"You mean Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario?" Lucina asked, her eyes narrowing slightly in distaste. "Any idea what these letters say?"

"Read them for yourself!" Waluigi objected, handing her her letter.

XXXX

Meanwhile, at the Retro table, a large, beefy senior approached a young man in a red coat. "I knew you'd be coming," the red-coated student noted, raising his hand before the red-haired student could say anything.

"Then I guess you know what I was going to say, then, don't ya?" the other boy guessed.

"Of course- I've got a letter from someone trying to stay anonymous, who couldn't be bothered to send it with the albatrosses, and you want to see what it is just as much as I do."

"Yeah, that's about the size of it," the beefy student nodded his agreement.

"Well, let's not delay things- let's see what it says," the red-coated student accepted the letter being offered him.

XXXX

And a similar scene took place at the Hal table, but they're Hals, they don't really do much, so let's just skip over their scene to a rough transcript of the letters themselves, in the glorious language of cut-and-paste magazine letters-

DEAr mR./MS. (InserT NAMe oF StudENT heRe:)

you ARE CoRDIAlly iNVITed To thE DisUsED cLAsSROOm in THE nortHWest COrner OF THe ThirD fLOOR, oN thE lefT-HANd siDE for A UniquE EXTrA CREdit OpporTUNIty. tHIs METhOD OF writING iS Very TIRIng, SO I'll EXPLaiN TheRe. 8:00 shARP.

-a frIENd.

XXXX

"Well, that's odd," Mario noted, turning the note over as though he suspected a prank.

"Certainly is," Link agreed. "Anything else obvious to note before we decide what to do about it?"

"Well, I don't know about you guys," Kirby smirked.

"But as for me and Kirb, we always look for extra credit opportunities!" Meta grinned.

"So we'll be going, but if you two want to wuss out, you can go right ahead!" the two chorused.

Link gulped- backed into a corner, nowhere to go but to the room mentioned at the proper time. Mario simply shrugged and gave a noncommital nod- he was pretty curious to see what this was about himself.

XXXX

So, at about 7:30 that night, Mario, Link, Zelda, and the twins met up in the Nintendo hub and began making their way down to the room mentioned on the note. "Any idea what this is all about?" Zelda asked.

"Heck if I know- this is a random quicky, it could be basically anything," Mario muttered.

"Does anyone else get the feeling that something bad is going to happen here?" Link asked, looking nervously over his shoulder.

"Oh, will you relax, it's not even curfew yet!" Zelda pointed out. "Nothing bad is going to happen!"

And, indeed, they didn't even run into Mido on their way down the steps and into the room described on the note, where they found a young man waiting for them- he was dressed in a red jacket over a red sweater, with red shorts, red shoes, and hair that was... wait for it... blond, matching up with his tan skin and blue eyes. He carried a shining, light blue, slightly transparent sword over his back. He looked up at them and smiled as they entered. "Ah, so you three got here first! I mean, I knew it was going to happen, of course."

"Aren't you... Shulp?" Mario asked, snapping his fingers as he struggled to put a name to the boy's face.

"Shulk," the boy corrected. "Shulk Clairvoya, Retro. Nice to meet you, Mario!" He smiled as he stood and extended a hand, which Mario shook.

"Guess I don't have to ask how you know who I am," Mario muttered.

"Not by your scar," Shulk smiled as he shook his head. "No, it's my special power. You see..." he paused dramatically as similarly-dramatic music rose up in the background... "I can see the future!"

"Oh, sure you can," Link smirked skeptically. "Let me guess, you're-"

"No, I'm not going to tell Mario he's being hunted by a blue-eyed beast," Shulk interrupted. Smiling slightly, he continued. "That... _was_ what you were going to say, right? Lucky guess!" he added quickly as Link opened his mouth. "And now I sense denial coming on..."

"Well, come on, anybody could have guessed I was going to say 'lucky guess!'" Link objected. "That proves-"

"-nothing?" Shulk concluded.

Kirby and Meta burst out laughing. "Oh, I like this guy already!" Kirby chortled.

"Right up our alley!" Meta agreed.

"Kirby? Meta?" came another voice, and they all turned to see Peach entering the room, followed by two Hals, Lucas Ikari and Maya Fey. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We got letters telling us to come here," Mario explained, drawing their attention to him.

"Oh, Mario!" Peach blinked slightly in shock. "You- you too, huh?"

"Yup. Incidentally, are you the one who sent those letters?" he asked of Shulk.

"No, I'm not," Shulk shook his head. "My friend Reyn gave me one, too. I'm just as much in the dark about all this as you are."

"Pretty strange, isn't that, Mr. Clairvoya?" Link interjected, glaring at him.

"Well, my powers don't work like that," Shulk explained. "I don't see on command- I just get brief flashes."

"Fat lot of use that power is, then," Link scoffed.

"It has its uses," Shulk shrugged. "Incidentally, Mario," he added, turning his attention to said pyromancer, "you're going to find yourself in a pretty desperate situation this winter- you'll know it when it happens- and when you do, I want you to open this envelope and follow the instructions, alright?"

Mario blinked as he accepted the envelope. "Um... if you say so..."

"Oh, come on, you're not really buying this, are you?" Link growled agitatedly.

"You know, you're pretty skeptical for someone born into the smasher world," came Pit's voice as he rose from the ground.

"Guess he's just kind of dense like that," came another voice, as another ghost arrived- he looked almost exactly like Pit, except dressed in black, with black wings, and black hair.

"Hey, aren't you the Nintendo ghost?" Maya asked, interest in her voice.

"At your service!" Pit nodded enthusiastically, bowing extravagantly.

"You're pretty good with ghosts, aren't you, Maya?" Lucas asked, rasing his hand in a cowboy-style gesture at the opening of his sentence.

"Spirit medium, remember?" Maya pointed out. "Yeah, you're the Nintendo ghost, and... well, I don't know who you are," she confessed with an apology in her voice, looking at Pit's mysterious twin, "but I think I've seen you flying around Sierra..."

"Oh, this is my twin, Pittoo!" Pit grinned. "He died the same time as me, but he was part of Sierra..."

"First off," 'Pittoo' growled, "stop calling me by that stupid name. Second, I can speak for myself."

"Oh, hey, quite a few people here already!" came a voice from the doorway, prompting everyone to turn and see Lucina entering, followed by Robin (female) and Waluigi. "Don't tell me we're late!"

"Oh, don't worry, Lucy, a smasher is never late," Shulk grinned. "Or early, either- they arrive exactly when they mean to!"

"I thought we were trying to cut _back_ on references," Mario grumbled.

"Well, hey, I've just been introduced, haven't I?" Shulk pointed out. "Guess I didn't get the memo yet."

Link, meanwhile, was focusing on the new arrivals. "Haven't I seen you three at the _Sierra_ table?" he asked with snide condescension in his voice.

"Link," Zelda muttered warningly.

"I suppose that's pretty likely, given that we _are_ from Sierra, after all," Lucina nodded. "Let me guess- going by your cold condescension for anyone not in your group... you must be in Nintendo."

"You badmouthing my group?!" Link shouted, his hot Faron blood getting the better of him.

"You certainly didn't wait to badmouth mine!" Lucina retorted, glaring daggers right back at him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, you two!" Peach objected, standing between them with her arms outstretched. "Link, this is Lucina, she's a friend of mine- she plays bass in our band!" she added, glancing over at Mario, who, remembering their conversation of several chapters earlier, nodded, confirming his remembrance. "Lucina, this is Link, he's my brother, he's a bit of a hothead, but he's really a good guy, when you get to know him!"

"Link, huh? Yeah, I've heard of him," Lucina nodded. "Isn't he the one who crashed a flying phone box into the flaaghra a couple years back?"

Link grimaced at the not-exactly-fond memory. "Yeah, that was me."

"That was actually pretty cool," Robin smiled at him. "Even us over in Sierra heard about that one."

"Robin, don't compliment him!" Lucina objected. Turning, she added, "AND PICK A GENDER ALREADY!"

Link's jaw dropped- sure enough, in the interim, Robin had become male once more. "Wha- what -what the... how...?"

"Oh, that's Robin," Peach quickly explained. "She- well, he, right now- he's kind of like a shape-shifter, but with two pre-set forms- a male one and a female one. He keeps switching between them- he doesn't even remember which he was when he was born."

"Sad, but true," Robin shook his head. "Truth is, I don't really identify as one gender or the other- they're both the same to me."

"Waluigi is feeling left out of this conversation," Waluigi muttered sadly in the background.

"Yo, homies, what the heck is all this crud?" came another voice, causing Mario to experience temporary heart failure as he turned and saw Bowser and his crew entering, Ganondorf dragging a whimpering Luigi in his wake. "We get these letters from that purple ditz over there-" Prompting a shock in Mario as he witnessed Wario looking at Bowser with something very nearly like anger as Bowser badmouthed Waluigi- "and then we meet this wimpola on the way to this room, who says he got a letter, too!"

"Come on, please, don't hurt me!" Luigi whimpered as Ganondorf tossed him into the middle of the room.

"And on top of that, now we find all of you here!"

"Well, I guess it's because we all got letters, isn't it?" Lucina asked, turning to glare at the turtle. "Honestly, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't even turn up!"

"Oh, don't pretend you're any better, little Ms. _Sierra!"_ Link put in.

"Will you shut _up_ with that!" Lucina objected. "Yeah, I'm in Sierra, that does _not_ make me automatically inferior to you _Nintendrones!"_

"Oh, that is it!" Link snapped and pounced on Lucina.

"This was all foretold!" Shulk put in, prompting Link to turn in and drag him into the fight. One by one, for their own reasons, everybody else joined in, with the exception of Kirby and Meta Knight, who were simply roaring with laughter, until finally, a single voice called out, "STOP!"

Everyone froze where they stood, slowly turning to see two gigantic hands in white gloves floating there- both the Master and Crazy Hands, both in the same place. Everyone pulled apart immediately.

"I see you all got my message," the Master Hand spoke as he floated into the room, looking from one scared face to one indifferent face, to two faces that were still struggling to avoid laughing. "Good, good. And you all came, too. Very good. In fact, I'd almost go as far as to say- _pretty_ good." As he said this, he and Crazy joined together in making the Ocelot gesture.

"Now," he continued, clapping together with Crazy, to great effect, "it is time to explain."

"Sorriez 'bout all dis, guys," Crazy put in. "Me thinks dis might be mesies faults."

"No fault," the Master Hand shook himself. "Just because I got the idea while watching the movie together with you, while eating your homemade pizza, and after drinking six-month-old Mountain Dew out of your old glove doesn't make it your fault. And fault? It's a brilliant idea!"

"And... what is that idea... sir?" Lucina asked, her demeanor much changed from before, when she'd been addressing Link.

"You chosen students of the Smash Bros. School of Smashing... are going to put on a play!" the Master Hand exclaimed delightedly.

There was a long, long silence. Very long. Almost as long as some of the hiatuses back in the age of _Dungeon of Secrets_ long. Finally, the Faron twins spoke up. "Oh, good one, Matty!" they exclaimed. "Two great jokes in two days, very good."

"Not a joke," the Master Hand explained. "I was watching a movie the other day, with the Crazy Hand, eating his old pizza, and drinking six-month-old Mountain Dew out of his old glove, when I had a brilliant vision. It was... beautiful! We would adapt the play to contain all of you children, and you would act it out! It's a brilliant idea!"

Mario couldn't help but notice the Master Hand's speech seemed slightly slurred at the time, as though he was still feeling the effects of that old pizza and soda. "And... you chose all of us because...?"

"That's... that's a pretty good question," Luigi agreed, making the customary hand gesture. "Why me?"

"Or me?" Peach nodded.

"Or me, I suppose," Lucina shrugged.

"Well, I can actually see me," Robin conceded. "Two roles for the price of one."

"You see? Robin gets it," the Master Hand agreed in his 'I'd-be-smiling-if-I-had-a-face voice. "You see, Mario, some are born great, and others have greatness thrust upon them! Even though some of you were only introduced in this very chapter, you certainly deserve a spot at the big time!"

"Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not interested," Bowser growled. "You can _keep_ your play, old man!"

"For once in his life, Bowser's right," Link stepped in. "I mean, I'm all for theater, but not if I'm involved, and if I have to work with that turtle and that... _that person..._ " three guesses who he was glaring at here- "then I'd rather not."

"Oho, but did I mention, this is not actually extra credit?" the Master Hand spoke. "This... is now a requirement. You don't do it, you fail this year."

"What?! That's ridiculous! That's not fair!" Link objected.

"Life is not fair, Mr. Faron."

Link grumbled. "Why do I feel like we just had this conversation?"

"Resistance is futile," Shulk put in. "I've seen the future, and we all participate in the play."

"Oh, really?" Link asked sardonically.

"Really," Shulk agreed. "I play a crime boss, and you two-" he glanced between Mario and Link- "play my underlings!"

"Oh, come on!" Link objected.

"Hey, could be pretty interesting," Mario shrugged. "You know- showbiz! No business like it!"

"Could be a big break," Lucina nodded, stroking her chin contemplatively. "How about you, Maya? Peach?"

"A chance to grace the stage with my presence? HECK YEAH!" Maya whooped.

"Well... I guess if you and Mario are okay with it..." Peach shrugged, a slight trace of nervousness on her face nonetheless.

"And what about us, old man?" Dark Pit stepped in. "How are you going to convince Pit and I to cooperate?"

"Actually, I'm in already!" Pit smiled. "I've always wanted to be in a play!"

Dark Pit sighed. "Of course you have," he muttered. "Okay, how are you going to convince _me_ to cooperate?"

"By having Mido standing by your bones, ready to salt and burn them at a moment's notice until the play's over," the Master Hand retorted easily.

Dark Pit blanched- quite a sight on a ghost. "You wouldn't."

"I would," the Master Hand said in his 'I'd-be-smirking-if-I-had-a-face' voice. "Now, as for the rest of you, Mario, you will be playing a character formerly played by..."

Mario crossed all his fingers, muttering rapid-fire to himself, "Please say Samuel L. Jackson, please say Samuel L. Jackson, _please say Samuel L. Jackson!_ "

"Samuel L. Jackson!"

"YES!"

"Oh, goody for you," Link muttered.

"Oh, come on, Link!" Mario smiled. "We're gonna do it anyways, may as well have fun with it!"

Link took a deep breath, then allowed a smile to come to his face. "Okay... I guess you're right."

"Link, you'll be John Travolta!"

"WHAT?!" Link growled. "That guy's a freaking moron!"

"You don't even know who he is, do you?" Zelda asked quietly.

"Not a clue," Link conceded.

"Lucina, you're Bruce Willis!"

"Isn't that a _man's_ name?" Lucina asked. "I mean, can't you get Robin to do that? He- I mean, _she-_ " she sighed upon looking and seeing Robin had turned female in the meantime- "is half male!"

"Don't object!" the Master Hand said dramatically, pointing at her. "I have two different roles picked out for Robin- your aunt, and someone who'll help Mario and Link out later on. Now, Shulk, you already know who _you_ are, of course..."

Proceedings continued, as everyone received the name of the actor whose role they'd be reprising in this play based on a movie.

"Okay, now, we're going to hand out the scripts!" the Master Hand announced happily. "Take them to your hubs and study them! We'll start meeting up in Wednesday nights in our auditorium to practice, and two weeks from now, we'll be ready to perform!" He sounded so giddy about this.

"Any chance this is actually gonna go well?" Link muttered to Zelda, who simply gave a noncommital, not-very-hopeful-sounding grunt.

"Wait, we have an auditorium?" Mario asked. "I mean, seriously, three years here, half a year of which was spent with the _Bomber's Guide to the freaking Smash Mansion,_ and I didn't know about our auditorium?"

"Enough complaining!" the Master Hand interjected. "And enough talk! We meet back here tomorrow night, same time, for me to show you to the auditorium! It'll be like a field trip! So, to your hubs, study your scripts!"

XXXX

"Is it just me, or is he going a little... senile?" Mario asked of Link and Zelda as they met up in the library to do some quiet line-reading, at Zelda's insistence. "Not just the idea, just... the whole way he was acting back there seemed strange, even for him."

"Hey, eating Crazy's cooking will do that to a person," Link shrugged. "Alright, what's this movie we're playing out?"

Finally, they looked at the scripts. "Huh, that's a weird name," Mario noted, running a finger across the title. "Pulp... Fiction..."

 _XXXX_

And thus ends the prologue to this little story! The first real chapter should be up soon- once more, this was just to set things up, and so someone reading this story without reading _Bottle of Lightning_ can still receive the prologue. You know what, just to make it unique, how about a bit of trivia I forgot to include in the version of this chapter in said story? This chapter's title and Luigi's role in this story are both from a fantastic movie entitled _Who am I this Time_ , about a man who's very timid in real life, but, given a role in a play, he virtually _becomes_ the person whose role he was assigned. Incidentally, I also happen to know someone like this- offstage, the most humble, shy person I've ever met, onstage, anybody, from ruthless killer to trolling spirit to a kid desperate to fulfill his lifelong dream. It was truly amazing, knowing him offstage and watching him work magic on it. Alright, bringing things to an end for now, I suppose it's not _overly_ necessary to R&R this time, I mean, this is something of a repeat chapter, though I'd still appreciate it, and if you do, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	2. Opening Night

Gamer4 in. I've got an itch in my fingers to write lately, so this ought to be going up fairly soon. I should avoid saying how soon, lest I jinx myself, but pretty soon nonetheless. The real question, of course, is why I'm saying this in the opening notes to the chapter itself- obviously, if you're reading this, you _know_ when it went up. This kind of thing should be reserved for the _end_ notes. Huuuuuuuh. Anyways, enough Duane Dibbling, let's get this chapter started up.

Disclaimer: You know... there comes a time... in every fanfic writer's life... when they've just had enough of this, and just want to move along to the story. I reached that point, like, five years ago.

Chapter I

Opening Night

and

The Kurain Exchange

" _Wow,_ there are a lot of people out there," Mario noted, glancing out of the curtain behind the auditorium. "Given how well we hid this dang place, I thought there might be a few less people."

"J-j-just how-w many are we t-talking about?" Lucas stammered out, chewing on his fingernails nervously.

"Hmmm... just about everyone in the whole school, looks like," Mario admitted, throwing another glance into the crowd. "Everyone ready?"

"Just about," was the general reaction from behind him.

"You guys could have _told_ me I was in this play before yesterday, you know," grumbled Teddy Ellay, standing next to Kirby and Meta Knight.

"Well, you've got a pretty brief part," Meta pointed out. "I mean, seriously, the only one with a part smaller than yours is mine- I just lay there and get killed."

"Look, Master," came another voice, drawing everyone's attention to where Shulk was talking to the Master Hand, "I _knew_ I wasgoing to be a crime boss, of course, but why me? I mean, I was the _hero_ of my own game."

"If you wanted to complain, why didn't you do it earlier?" the Master Hand pointed out. (Get it? Hand jokes.)

"Well, I'm not really _complaining,_ " Shulk shrugged, "but just... I'm the hero of my story, and I'm introduced _just_ to be the villain in this play?"

"It's because you're British, and you'll look fantastic sitting behind the crime boss's desk, stroking a fluffy white cat."

"Fluffy white-"

"Yup! Here you go!" with this, the Master Hand unceremoniously dumped Louise, Mido's pet cat, into Shulk's arms, resulting in a great deal of British screaming as he struggled to get the panicked cat under control.

"Too bad he didn't see _that_ coming," Link muttered.

"I don't know what he's complaining about, myself," Pit shook his head. "Call an angel into a play, and have him playing a glorified _drug dealer?_ "

"Power-ups!" the Master Hand objected. "We'd never put drugs in our plays! You're a power-up manufacturer!"

"All that talk about censorship, and you didn't bother changing Robin's lines in her scene with me from the original?" Lucina raised an eyebrow.

"Guess he didn't figure Sierra deserved any more thought than that," Link interjected.

Lucina sighed. "And _I'm_ really looking forward to our second scene together, Link. Should be a _blast."_

Link scowled, but was prevented from saying anything further by Maya bursting into the backstage room, grinning like a maniac. "Oh, almost showtime, and Lucas and I have the first scene together!"

"Yeah... something tells me you'll be carrying that performance," Dark Pit muttered, observing Lucas's scared face.

"And I don't know _what_ we'll do when poor Luigi has to take center stage," Zelda agreed, looking at said green-clad student with pity in her eyes. He was trembling worse than he ever had in _Luigi's Mansion._

"Not a dead chick storer... no dead chick storage... oh, Wave Existence, help me!"

Ganondorf, meanwhile, was sneering. "At least _they'll_ be appearing," he growled in his absurdly deep voice. "I don't even know why I'm _here_!"

"Because I wasn't going to be dealing with these morons alone," Bowser growled right on back. "Bad enough that we have to deal with Wario's idiot of a brother-"

"You will not be disrespecting-a Waluigi!" Waluigi objected as he walked by. "Waluigi lovin' his role in the play! Waluigi gonna steal the whole show!"

"Love to hear how you plan to do that, when you don't even have any real lines," Bowser growled out.

"Leave him be," Wario shook his head. "Leave him be."

Finally, the Master Hand returned. "Alright, everyone, it's just about showtime!" Prompting excitement in some and heart-bursting terror in others. "Maya, Lucas, your positions!"

"Good luck!" Peach and Lucina both saw Maya off, as Luigi meekly patted Lucas on the back, fellow stage-cowards looking like tonight was their execution. Maya and Lucas both nodded, she excited, he looking like he was heading out to the gallows as they headed out into the middle of the stage and took their seats on the table standing there. Thankfully, the curtain was still lowered, otherwise Lucas would probably have already passed out.

The Master Hand floated out in front of the curtain. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he announced. "Students and teachers! Humans, pokemon, anthros, and many, many mixes and matches thereof! Welcome to our showing tonight of _Pulp Smashing,_ inspired by Quentin Tarantino's _Pulp Fiction!_ We've got a great show for you tonight, everyone's been working really hard to get ready for you, so we hope you'll all enjoy it!

"Now, to begin, a quick preface: Pulp: 1.: A soft, moist, shapeless mass of matter. 2.: A magazine or book containing lurid subject matter, being characteristically printed on rough, unfinished paper. 3.: That nasty stuff you find in orange juice."

"Was that third definition part of the script?" Mario whispered.

"Not to my memory," Zelda shook her head.

"Great, three seconds in and we're already falling apart," Link muttered.

The Master Hand gave a strange sort of bow and floated off-stage, and, at last, the curtain rose, making way for the spotlight to fall on Maya and Lucas, sitting out in the middle of the stage.

For a long while, everyone watched, waiting for Lucas to give the play's opening lines. And they waited, and the waited, and they waited.

And then they waited some more.

Mario sighed, his palm meeting his face. "Oh, great, he's locked up."

"Can't really blame him too much," Zelda pointed out. "It's not like he's an actual actor- heck, he's not even part of the drama club!"

Abruptly, Maya spoke up, salvaging the operation with, "Oh, come on, Lucas, say something! I mean, here we are, right in my hometown of Kurain, and you can't be bothered to say anything?"

Lucas shakily looked around, gulped, and choked out, "It... it's a nice place, that- that's for sure..."

Maya shook her head. "I was kinda hoping you'd think it was a little better than just a nice place. I mean, this is the birth place of spirit channeling in this country." Looking over her shoulder, she called out, "Oh, waiter, can we get some soda over here?"

"Just a second," Kirby muttered quickly. "Gotta try and help her salvage this." With that, he rose, grabbed a couple of nearby cups, and walked across the stage towards them. "Here you go, sir and madam," he spoke in a British accent that made Shulk, the only one there with a legitimate accent, cringe. "Call me if you need anything else."

"We'll keep that in mind," Maya nodded. As soon as he turned and left, she returned her focus onto Lucas. "Now, the question is, what to do now that we're here?"

Lucas was still struggling to regain himself, but made a bold effort at continuing the scene. "D-didn't you say you wanted to pull an... easy job here?"

"Oh, come on, don't just call it a 'job' like that, like we're common criminals!" Maya objected.

"B-but aren't we? C-common criminals, I mean?" Lucas hastily amended.

"Of course not! Remember what Kay said that one time? We're the Yatagarasu- the modern day Don Quixote! Thieves of justice!"

"I- I'm pretty sure she actually called us... the modern-day Robin Hoods," Lucas corrected her, an effect ruined by him immediately adding, "Didn't she?"

"Hmm, maybe she did," Maya shrugged dismissively. "But still! We never kill, we only steal from those who are more fortunate than we are, and we only need one more job before we can easily retire anyways!"

"But... didn't you... didn't you just tell me not to call it a job?" Lucas asked.

"Whatever," Maya shrugged it off once more. "The point is, we need to decide the last place we're going to hit, and it needs to be good! If we choose the wrong place, it'll be a disaster!"

"What kind of place are you talking about?"

"Well," Maya thought out loud, leaning back and looking contemplative, "somewhere with some money, obviously. But it can't be an old business owned by a Kurain family- trust me, that would be a disaster."

"Why do you say that?"

"You don't know Kurain very well, do you?" Maya smirked. "Family's important to us! We'd sooner die than give up anything connected to our ancestor's business, including any money that it earned us!" Leaning back once more, she continued. "That new place up the street would be decent- Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. But I've heard bad things about that place- apparently, it's pretty heavily-guarded for some two-bit pizza joint. Last guy who tried to break in had to be taken to an asylum, rambling about being attacked by the mascots or something. And how successful can it be without selling burgers, anyways?"

Lucas looked around, trying for a look of conspiracy. "How about... how about we rob _this_ place?"

"This place?" Maya asked. "Hmm... you might be on to something. Standard restaurant, makes a decent amount of money. Doesn't look like there's anybody here who would try to be a hero, either. The manager has the place insured, and the employees shouldn't care about us taking the manager's money- it's not theirs, why should they?"

"But... but what if someone _does_ try and be a hero?" Lucas asked nervously.

"Ah, every now and again, you get someone who thinks they're gonna be the next Chuck Norris," Maya waved this aside. "But you've got those Psi powers, right? Flash 'em a bit of lightning, it should shut them up pretty quick."

"I-if you say so," Lucas muttered, staring at the table. "When... when...?"

"You mean, when do we do it?" Maya asked, grinning. "Well, _I_ say we do it now!"

"Now?" Lucas asked, his real panic blending with that of his character.

"Sure! No time like the present!" Maya nodded her characteristic grin-nod, complete with hands together. "Come on, Lucas, this one last job, and we're sitting pretty!"

"Alright," Lucas spoke in a voice so quietly that hardly anyone could hear it. "Alright!" he said again, louder. "I-I'll just grab my power controller..."

"And I've got mine!" Maya agreed, smiling. "Come on!"

The two abruptly jumped up. Maya called out, "Alright, everyone, stand down! This... is a robbery! Be honest with us about how much you have, we'll just take a tenth, if you aren't, we'll take everything!"

Meanwhile, Lucas experienced that paradox wherein, if you're truly panicked, rather than becoming quieter, you actually jump up to eleven in terms of volume. "EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! DOWN ON THE GROUND, _NOW!_ ANYONE STAND UP, AND I'LL FREAKING KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!"

He was still shouting as the curtain fell, prompting Maya to pull him offstage, where Mario, eyes half-closed, wordlessly handed her a paper bag for him to breath into. This done, he waited as the scenery was changed out, and then quietly motioned for Link to follow. Link nodded, and the two of them walked out on-stage, readying themselves for their own opening.

As far as direction went, the two were simply walking around the stage, speaking casually to each other as they did so. "So, Link," Mario began, doing his best to act as though this were any other conversation with his green-clad friend- albeit in-character and talking about events that had never happened. "Tell me about your trip to the Mushroom Kingdom again!"

"Oh, it was awesome there," Link nodded, clearly following the lead, trying to make the conversation seem perfectly natural. "They had- er, _power-ups-_ available at every single store. I'd never seen so many mushrooms in one place."

"Hm, mushrooms, huh?" Mario asked, finger at his chin. "Just those basic ones that increase your strength and stamina, right?"

"Oh, no, these people have mushrooms all figured out," Link smiled reminiscently. "Those mushrooms do all sorts of amazing stuff- felt like I was falling right through the looking-glass."

"You don't say," Mario gave an amused-looking smile.

"Nope, I do, I do say," Link affirmed. "And they export across the whole universe- Mushroom Kingdom mushrooms are freaking _everywhere._ But for the full effect, you just need to go back to the source. Spring 'shrooms, bee 'shrooms and boo 'shrooms, they have everything."

"Maybe I'll just have to take a trip there for myself sometime," Mario finally decided.

"And check out what I picked up on the way back!" Link added enthusiastically, reaching into his pack and producing a crossbow of some sort. "Met some shaggy guy in Transylvania, said he was looking to sell it, wasn't going to be getting much use out of it anymore."

"A crossbow?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you already have a bow?"

"Yeah, but for a while now, I've been debating about whether I want to keep the bow or upgrade to a gun," Link shrugged. "With _this,_ though, I get to have it _both_ ways!"

"Huh. Good deal, I suppose," Mario shrugged. "By the way, have you heard about that woman who's rolling into town? Goes by the name of... Zelda Hyrule, I think."

"Oh, I've heard of her, alright," Link smiled as though enjoying an inside joke. "But... why do _you_ bring her up?"

"Just to be sure, we're talking about the same Zelda, right? The one that almost starred in her own video game?"

"Don't know- I don't know much about video games. Hardly play them," Link shrugged.

Mario turned to stare at him with his eyes half-closed, bringing them to a halt as the backdrop changed from a picture of streets to the inside of a building. "But you are aware that there are technical gizmos that allow one to utilize interactive forms of entertainment, are you not, grandpa?"

"Well, yeah, of course I know _that_ much," Link muttered.

"Yeah, thought so," Mario nodded, turning at taking off again, Link following behind. "Well, she almost got her own series, on the old CD-I systems."

"Why do you say 'almost?'"

"Well, I mean the games were never quite finished," Mario elaborated. "Never got a full release."

"Why was that?"

"Heck if I know- I guess you'd have to ask her," Mario shrugged.

"Well, I've definitely got the opportunity- Shulk's got me taking her out to dinner tonight."

Mario spun around to face Link. "Say again?"

"I said Shulk's got me taking her out to dinner. Tonight."

"Ooh, boy," Mario muttered, raising his hand to his face. "That's... not good, Link."

"Why not? It's just something he told me to do."

"Word on the Wind says Shulk's getting very protective over Zelda," Mario explained. "Remember that guy we used to work with? Yu Narukami? Tall guy, black clothes, kind of looked like the main character of Death Note? Main character of Persona 4?"

"I think I remember him, yeah," Link nodded.

"Well, he and Shulk had a... not-so-friendly exchange last week," Mario recalled. "Shulk called him to Bionis, and by the end of that meeting, Yu got chucked off Valak Mountain."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, not sure, but the Word on the Wind says that it was because he was getting too friendly with Zelda."

Link smiled, shaking his head. "So, let me get this straight- you're concerned for me because the Word on the Wind says that Shulk- _our_ Shulk, Shulk Clairvoya- threw some guy we've barely even heard of before off a mountain for getting friendly with a woman we've also hardly heard of before, other than almost being the main character of her own video game?"

"Well, _anything_ sounds ridiculous when you put it that way," Mario muttered uncomfortably.

"Whatever, man," Link shook his head. "Look, I'm only taking her out for dinner- you ask me, Shulk just wants to keep her on friendly terms, make a deal with her."

Finally, the two turned towards something offstage. Mario glanced at his wrist. Well, the script called for it- what did this play care if he didn't actually wear a watch? "Alright, what time you got?"

"6:45."

"Ah, too early," Mario muttered, leading to a long period of the two standing there, staring at each other awkwardly. "So..." Running through his mental database of 'random conversation-starters," he finally settled on, "Which end of a chocolate cornet do you eat first?"

Link face-faulted, then simply stood, shook it off, and said, "You know what, what harm will it do if we step in a little early?"

"Yeah," Mario muttered embarrassedly.

At this point, Kirby, Meta Knight, and Peach came on stage, Meta reclining in a sofa, Kirby sitting at a chair next to a small, round table, and Peach standing off to the side. Mario and Link turned to them, catching their attention right away. Mario largely remained where he was, while Link began poking around the stage. "Oh, hey, guys!" Mario greeted them, smiling. "Sorry to catch you so early in the morning. Link here and I were just in the neighborhood, and we thought we'd stop by, take a look around..."

All three of the newcomers to the stage were doing their best to look abruptly nervous at the sight of the two, but, of course, being the close crew they were, this was somewhat difficult to pull off. Mario did his best to play it off. "So, I'm guessing you know who we are, don't you? We work with our mutual friend, Shulk Clairvoya. You're... Kirby, right?" He observed said puffball as he spoke. Kirby nodded mutely, afraid he'd crack up if he actually spoke. "I see. Well, surely _you_ remember your old friend, Shulk Clairvoya?"

"Th- the name rings a bell, yeah," Kirby nodded again, struggling to keep his face looking afraid.

Mario's eyes fell on the table between them. The Master Hand had given Kirby, Meta, and Peach free reign to go to anywhere to get the food for this scene, leaving Mario to just work with it. "Oh, hey, chicken fries!" he noted, seeing the Burger King bag on the table. "I didn't know they'd brought those back! Kind of a strange campaign they'd been running, huh? Getting rid of them, bringing them back, getting rid of them, bringing them back... here's hoping they decide to actually keep them this time, right?"

Another lack-of-response from Kirby later, Mario simply went on. "You know, I missed out on breakfast. Mind if I... have a couple?"

Kirby, trembling with repressed mirth, motioned for him to have at it. Mario reached down, and made quite a show of eating two chicken fries as menacingly as he could- it was almost enough to shake Kirby out of his laughter-phase. Almost. "Mmm!" Mario gave a pleased moan as he chewed the fries. "Just as good as I remember! Hey, Link, you ever had Burger King chicken fries?"

Link, still looking around the stage, shook his head. "I'm good, thanks."

"Your loss," Mario shrugged. "Sure wish I'd found out about it sooner. Don't usually get fast food- my girlfriend's pretty health conscious, so usually, any fast food places are off the table. Still, love to get it when I can..."

Sounding like she was choking, Peach spoke up. "Look, if you're looking for the-"

Mario cut her off, shouting her down without even looking at her. "I don't remember asking you one THING!"

Looking back down at the table, he smiled again. "Ah, what are you having to drink?"

"Um... root beer," Kirby shrugged.

"Classic," Mario gave an approving nod. "Not _quite_ in Mountain Dew's league, as far as being the drink of the gods goes, but it's a close runner-up. Mind if I have some to wash this down?"

Kirby nodded once more. Mario took a long drink, staring Kirby down all the while. Finally, he put it down. "Ah. Still love my Mountain Dew, but it's just not as _classic_ as root beer, you know?"

As Kirby gave roughly the thirty-third nod in this scene, Link abruptly received a prop from off-stage- a black case. Turning towards the others, he cleared his throat to grab Mario's attention.

"That it?" Mario asked. He waited patiently as Link put in the combination and opened it up, gazing at the golden glow inside. As he continued staring at it, a slight look of distaste crossing his face, Mario cleared his throat. "Link! Is that it?"

"Sure is," Link nodded, closing the case.

"Alright, then let's wrap things up here," Mario nodded.

Kirby gave a fake gulp, then finally spoke up. "Alright, I... I caught your name, Link, but I don't think I caught yours..."

"Mario M. Mario, and you're not talking your way out of this one, _poyo_ ," Mario growled out, staring at him with a dead-serious look on his face, and wiping Kirby's internal smile off.

Giving a slightly-more-real gulp, he said, "Look, Mario, we're really sorry about what happened with Shulk, but I swear, we got into this whole thing with the best inten-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, Mario casually tossed a fireball off to the side, narrowly missing Meta in real life, but in play-world, hitting him dead on and knocking him to the ground, dead. Kirby gave a gasp of play-world horror, recoiling into his chair as Mario turned to glare at him, a sudden cold front rolling off him. "Oh, I'm sorry, Kirb, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Go on. You were saying something funny about the great intentions you had when you... oh, you were finished?" A fake-sounding laugh. "Well, in that case, let me offer my rebuttal-"

Mario stepped forward and slammed the table to the side. "WHAT DOES SHULK CLAIRVOYA LOOK LIKE?!"

Kirby raised his eyebrows. "What?"

Mario leapt forward, standing right in front of Kirby and glaring down at him. "What country are you from?"

"What?"

"What?! That's not a country I've ever heard of! Do they speak English there?"

"Huh?" Kirby asked, acting as though he were hopelessly lost. Actually, it was true, to an extent.

"English, you little winnicott, do you speak it?!" Mario shouted.

"Yes!" Kirby said quickly- _now_ Mario was actually starting to seem frightening.

"So you _do_ know what I'm saying!"

"Yes!"

"Describe what Shulk Clairvoya looks like!"

"W-what?"

Mario threw another fireball, this time barely missing Kirby, who buckled over in pain nonetheless. "Say what again! Say what one more time to me, I _dare_ you!"

"Um... he's tan, he's got blond hair..." Kirby glanced over at the real Shulk, standing just offstage, for inspiration. "Wears a red coat-"

"Does he look like a goomba?" Mario snarled.

"W-what?"

Another fireball. " _Does he look... like a goomba?!"_ Mario shouted.

"No- not even close!"

"Then why did you try to step all over him, like he _was_ a common goomba? Why did you do that, Kirby?"

"I didn't!" Kirby shouted desperately.

"Oh, yes you did! You make off with Shulk's item, and you think you can just walk away?"

"No!"

"Oh, stop trembling, _ma péche_ , before you make me feel like a péché myself!" Mario said scornfully, and such was the cue for Kirby's execution, Mario throwing fire down upon him and Link opening fire with his crossbow as the curtain fell.

 _XXXX_

I love Xenosaga too much for my own good. At any rate, this chapter's going up a little earlier than I expected, due, as my long-time viewers could probably guess, to my chronic insomnia. Good for you, because it gives me a lot of time to write, bad for me, because I'm not getting the sleep I probably need, and, ultimately, bad for everyone- it won't be long before I'm starting up a Fight Club. If I do, I encourage you guys not to join up- it will just be awkward for everyone. Anyways, next update belongs to _Bottle of Lightning,_ but this chapter's next story picks up with _The Link-Zelda Affair!_ See you all then! Please R&R, constructive criticism and/or questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	3. The Link-Zelda Affair

Gamer4 in. You know, there was once a time in my writing career when I never had anything to say- anytime I did was a remarkable occasion for the history books. Now, it's more or less turned around- I've always got something or other to say, even if I'm just blathering on about nothing. Today, however, I hearken back to tradition slightly- if the filler-ific nature of these opening notes is any indication, today, for the first time in a while, I really and truly have nothing to talk about.

Disclaimer: Especially disclaimer-related.

Chapter II

The Link-Zelda Affair

"Alright, next scene," Mario noted as he and Link dismounted the stage. "Come on, we've got to change."

As the two headed off-stage, and the rest of the crew began fiddling around to get the proper backgrounds in place, Shulk approached Lucina, who was in the middle of placing a necklace around her neck- a dragon made out of crystal. "Hey, Lucy!"

"Oh, Shulk!" the blue-haired swordswoman acknowledged him, glancing up. "What is it?"

"Look..." Shulk spoke slowly and gently. "I... I know I might say some... some not-so-nice things in this next scene, I just want you to know..."

"Oh, Shulk," Lucina rolled her eyes. "We've been over this already- I know that it's just a character you're playing- it's not how you really feel. Relax, I won't be offended by anything you say out there."

"Thanks," Shulk nodded, nevertheless avoiding her eye and tracing his heel on the ground.

Lucina gave a slight smile. "You know, you try to act all cool, but deep down, you really are a nice guy, Shulk."

Shulk simply shrugged. "If- if you say so."

"Come on, we're-a goin' on!" Waluigi urged, poking Shulk in the back. "Time for Waluigi to suck up da lemonlight!"

"Well, Mario's not here right now," Shulk noted, glancing behind him, "but I'm sure if he were, he'd point out that it's 'lime'light."

"Just... just leave him be," Lucina shook her head. "Get out there, I'll be up in a second."

XXXX

As the curtain rose once more, Shulk sat on one end of the stage, (currently backdropped to resemble a bar of sorts,) behind a table, stroking Louise, who, thankfully, had calmed down in the meantime. On the ground next to him sat a large bag, and another chair sat on the other side of the table. At the back of the stage was a counter, behind which Waluigi was doing his best to play the part of the bartender- he'd even removed his trademark clothing, due to prospect on playing another character later on. The scene hung for a brief moment, before Lucina made her entrance across the stage from Shulk. Ignoring him for the moment, she approached Waluigi, who looked up from the glass he was rubbing his glove around in. "You gotta da business here?" he asked.

"I'm here to see Mr. Clairvoya," she responded.

"He's over there," Waluigi pointed to where Shulk sat. Lucina nodded at her fellow Sierra, then crossed the stage to Shulk.

As she approached, Shulk looked up and allowed a smile to cross his face. "Ah, if it isn't Ms. Mercer. I was wondering when you'd turn up."

"Sorry to keep you waiting," Lucina shrugged. "Got caught up in a couple things on the way here."

"No problem, no problem at all," Shulk waved her apology aside. "Take a seat."

Lucina glanced down, and slowly pulled up the chair, sitting across the table from Shulk, whose hands were still busy absentmindedly stroking the white cat on his lap. Finally, Shulk spoke first. "So, do you know why you're here, Lucina Mercer?"

"I was led to believe you had a proposition for me," Lucina nodded.

"I hope that my messenger told you about the exact nature of the proposition?"

"He said you wanted me to do something for you, and that it would be to my advantage to do it," Lucina recalled. "He wasn't as clear on the subject of what that something was."

Shulk sighed airily. "You just can't get good help these days," he shrugged. "So... do you know who I am?"

"Shulk Clairvoya," Lucina nodded. "I've heard of you- you carry a lot of weight around here. Started as just a Bionis engineer, and now you're the head of your own syndicate. Very impressive."

"Glad you approve," Shulk nodded. "Though, I'm not sure I prefer the term 'syndicate.' I think of it more like an advanced version of the 'Make-a-Wish' foundation. People come to me, and they ask me favors. It might get a little pricy at times, but I then do my best to fulfill those favors- and I'll admit, I'm not above taking a little profit if the opportunity presents itself, but that's just the price of generosity."

"I see," Lucina shrugged, a slight note of skepticism in her voice. "So, what do you want with me?"

Shulk took a deep breath, looking Lucina directly in the eye. "Lucina- can I call you Lucina?" She nodded. "Well, Lucina, here's what's happening. I believe that you are deep in an occupation known as 'Brawling?'"

"I certainly am," Lucina agreed. "Good old-fashioned, no-holds-barred scraps. I always bring my sword along, of course-"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," Shulk interrupted, allowing a trace of annoyance to cross Lucina's face at the abrupt cut-off. "Now, as it happens, a dear friend of mine is also into Brawling- in fact, he has his eyes on the championship next year, all he needs is to build up some PR first. I've been led to believe that you're known for winning your brawls?"

"Haven't lost one since I started two years ago," Lucina agreed.

"Truly amazing," Shulk nodded. "Now, that said, here's what I see- this friend of mine, an underdog, goes up against Lucina Mercer, one of the favorites to win the Underground Brawling Circuit. Nobody would count on him winning- some new rookie against the two-year champion, there'd be no contest, would there?"

"I'd certainly bet on me," Lucina nodded.

"And I'd hardly blame you," Shulk nodded. "But here's what I envision- a great, epic struggle. The rookie unexpectedly manages to be a match for the champion, forcing her to a stand-still for five agonizing rounds. And then, in the fifth, he suddenly gets a second wind, and, in one of the most spectacular moments in recent brawling history, actually manages to defeat that reigning champion! A true underdog story, one that would capture the imaginations of everyone in Kurain... wouldn't that be something, Lucina?"

"I suppose it would be," Lucina shrugged. "Almost enough for me to want him to win. And if he puts forth a good enough fight, I suppose he will."

"I assure you, he will," Shulk nodded. "And, in fact, that's why I've called you here tonight. I'm sure you've worked it out already."

Lucina blinked. "So, let me get this straight- you want me to put on a show of fighting this friend of yours for four rounds, then allow him to beat me in the fifth?"

"That's the general idea, yes."

"Any idea why I'd want to do that?"

Shulk smiled, and reached down for the bag next to him. Pulling it up, he dropped it on the table, where the unmistakable clinking sound of many, many coins made it clear what the contents were. "5,000 gold coins says that this little story of mine will play out exactly as I envision it."

Lucina blinked, eyeing the bag. "You're willing to pay me that much just to throw the fight?"

"I am," Shulk nodded. "A very generous offer, I think. After all, brawling is hardly a lady's sport, now, is it? I mean, you've managed to get by on dumb luck or misguided chivalry up until now, but how long do you think that will last?"

Lucina blinked, allowing a look of rage to cross her face while simultaneously trying to communicate to Shulk that she still didn't blame the actor for the lines of the character- it would be difficult to see from a distance, but Shulk looked visibly uncomfortable at having to say that. "So, just because I'm female, you think I'm bound to lose eventually?"

"Everyone loses eventually," Shulk pointed out. "Now, during the fight, you might feel like you do right now- those feelings of anger, that thirst to prove yourself- that's your pride messing with your head. If you feel it during the fight, do yourself a favour, and tell pride to go suck a railroad spike. Pride has never helped anyone, only ruined them. And you know what? Two months from now, when you're on a beach somewhere on Bionis, taking in the sights... you'll think back to this moment, and you'll think, 'Shulk Clairvoya was right.'"

Finally, Shulk ended his little speech, and looked Lucina dead in the eye. Slowly, he reached for the money bag and held it out to her. "So, can I trust you to toss that fight tomorrow?"

Lucina nodded vaguely, reaching out for the money, only for Shulk to pull back slightly. "Say it," he commanded. "Are you my girl?"

"I'm you're girl," Lucina muttered irritably.

"In the fifth, you'll hit the ground and not get up."

Lucina nodded jerkily. "In the fifth, I hit the ground, and don't get up."

Shulk lowered the bag once more, this time allowing Lucina to take it.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the stage, a knocking sound came from a door. Waluigi crossed to it and opened it up slightly. "Ah!" he cried out in joy. "It's-a Mario! It's-a Mario Party! And it's-a our favorite Hyrule Warrior, too! Come on in, come on in!"

Sure enough, with the door opened up, Mario and Link stepped in. However, they weren't dressed in their typical clothes- they were both dressed in overalls, which was perfectly ordinary for Mario, but what wasn't was the green-ness of the clothes beneath. The clothing looked completely alien on Link, and it didn't seem to fit either of them overly well, as though they belonged to someone much taller. It fit a little better on Link than on Mario's somewhat stouter frame, but that didn't prevent a wave passing through the audience, wondering what was up with those clothes.

Waluigi wasn't immune to this either. "What's-a with those clothes, guys? Something happen?"

"I don't even want to talk about it," Mario muttered irritably, crossing the stage to sit in front of the counter, Link close at his side. Still in Mario's hand was the black case from the previous scene. "Oh, what, Shulk can't spare a second or two to pick up this thing that Link and I spent so long busting our butts over?"

"Yeah, he's-a bein' with someone right now," Waluigi nodded. "Oughtta be done soon, though."

As if on cue (and, in fact, exactly on cue,) Lucina and Shulk both stood, shaking hands. Lucina threw the bag of money over her shoulder and headed off towards the counter, where she took out a couple of the coins and ordered herself a drink. As Waluigi got to work on it, (pouring a few different-colored sodas into the same cup,) she turned her attention to the new arrivals. "Nice getup," she noted. "You two on a bowling team or something?"

Mario raised an eyebrow- 'bowling team' wouldn't have been the first thing he'd have thought of. Luckily, however, he didn't have to think of a response, as Shulk looked up at that moment and called out to him. "Hey, if it isn't Mario Mario! Get over here!" He spoke pretty jovially for the commanding-sounding sentence. Mario smiled, tilted his hat slightly, picked up the case, and made his way over, taking the seat that Lucina had so recently occupied. As he left, Link and Lucina turned to each other, firm dislike written into the faces of each.

Eye contact was only broken as Waluigi came over and dropped Lucina's drink in front of her. Turning to Link, he asked, "So, there-a be anythin' you be a-wantin', Fair One?"

"It's Faron," Link muttered. "Yeah, give me a Mountain Dew."

"Right up," Waluigi nodded. As he foraged behind the counter for said drink, he asked, "So, Waluigi be hearin' you gotta date with that new girl, Zelda High-Rool! He hears you-a meetin' up with her tonight!"

"It's not a date," Link shook his head. "I mean, yeah, I'm taking her to dinner, but at Shulk's request- we're just trying to keep in her good books, in case Shulk ever wants to make a deal."

"Date or no date, I feel sorry for any girl who has to spend a night with you," Lucina muttered.

Link looked up, anger filling his eyes. Unlike with Lucina's earlier anger towards Shulk, this wasn't just staged- his ears were genuinely turning red, and anyone who knew him well would be able to detect the old, familiar teapot-whistle rising up as he turned to glare at Lucina. Lucina, for her part, remained cool, taking a long drink before turning to look at him. "You want something, friendo?"

"Let's get this clear right now- just because you're cutting deals with my boss doesn't make you my friend," Link snapped.

Lucina put her glass on the counter with a little more force than necessary as she turned to Link. "Care to say that again?"

"I think you heard me just fine before," Link growled, leading to a very tense eye-lock, only broken by Shulk glancing over and quickly calling out, "And is that Link Faron, too? That's my boy- get over here!"

Link wasn't quite done mean-mugging Lucina, but stood and allowed the stand-off to end with one last nasty look before he crossed the stage. Lucina scoffed and finished off her drink. "Freaking winnicott," she muttered, dropping the glass back on the counter before heading off-stage, cuing the curtain to fall for another scene-change.

XXXX

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!" Shulk apologized to Lucina rapid-fire off-stage. "That was a terrible thing to say-"

"9001st time, Shulk, it was part of the script, I'm not offended," Lucina assured him. "That winnicott over there, now..."

"Well, screw you too," Link growled hotly. "I don't exactly enjoy sharing the stage with you, either!"

"Come on, Link, we need to change back before the next scene," Mario muttered wearily, reaching out and grabbing Link by his collar, virtually dragging him off-stage to redress for the next scene.

"Hey, buddy, we're in the next scene!" Pit whooped, directing his attention towards Dark Pit.

"Yeah, fan-freaking-tastic," Dark Pit muttered. "A whole conversation with you, that green moron, and later on, I get to play Lucy's love interest on top of that? How could I resist-"

"Salt and fire!" the Master Hand reminded him.

"And so, like I was saying, I'll play the part with all the gusto I can!" Dark Pit affirmed, changing tack at light speed.

XXXX

The curtain rose up once more, revealing Link and Dark Pit sitting across from each other next to a table, the only props recycled from the previous scene. The background was altered to reflect more of a 'run-down apartment' look. Link had returned to his classic green tunic with chain mail, boots, and floppy hat. For a brief moment, the two simply looked at each other, before finally, Link broke the silence with, "So... which end of a chocolate cornet do you eat first?"

Dark Pit closed his eyes tight, as if in pain at that particular phrase. Finally, he opened them up and replied, "Really? That's all you have to talk about?"

"Well, it's something Mario said to me earlier," Link shrugged. "At the time, I just thought it was some stupid thing just to kill time, but since then, I've got to thinking, and really, you can tell quite a bit about someone by how they eat their chocolate cornets."

"You don't say," Dark Pit muttered. "And didn't it occur to you that he might have just been watching a bit too much _Lucky Star_ last night?"

"What the heck is a 'Lucky Star?'" Link asked, confusion on his face.

Dark Pit sighed. "Never mind, never mind," he muttered. "Geez, I've really hit hard times lately, when I have to come to my freaking brother for lodging, and he keeps me out here talking to his customers while he's off doing Wave Existence alone knows what..."

"Hey, Link!" came a happy cry from just off-stage, drawing everyone's attention to Pit, floating in from stage left. "You're early! Didn't expect you for another half an hour!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," Link sighed, standing. "Look, Pit, if you don't mind... it's been kind of a rough day, and I've got to go and pick up Zelda soon, so if we could move quick here, that would be grand..."

"Of course, of course," Pit nodded. "Come on! I've got something very interesting to show you..."

Pit and Link crossed the stage away from Dark Pit, who simply stood and walked off stage right. As they walked, Pit turned an eager eye onto Link. "So, who's this 'Zelda' girl? You never told me you were going on a date tonight-"

"For the millionth freaking time, it's not a date," Link grumbled. "I'm just taking her out to dinner at my boss's request, to keep her open to any future deals that Shulk might want to make."

"If you say so, buddy," Pit smirked, eyes aglow. "But you know what they say- if the shoe fits, wear it!"

"I wear boots," Link muttered. "Now, what do you have?"

"I've got some very interesting stuff in," Pit finally let it go. "Fine assortment of mushrooms just in from Knytt, probably the second best place for mushrooms, aside from the Kingdom itself."

"I've had enough of mushrooms, Pit," Link shook his head. "Don't you have anything... I don't know, different?"

"Don't reject the mushrooms," Pit reprimanded slightly, waving his finger. "I'm telling you, they're simply classic. Of course, they never went away completely, but if you ask me, they're about to come back in a big way. Now, take these mushrooms here..."

As he spoke, he produced a handful of large mushrooms, about the size of particularly large marbles, with large caps colored red with white dots. Link tilted his head. "Come on, man, I come here for a fix, and all you have for me are just regular old stamina 'shrooms?"

"You wound me, sir!" Pit withdrew, hand to his chest over-dramatically. "Though, I suppose I should take the fact that even you didn't see through it as a compliment..."

"See through what?"

Pit lowered his head, beckoning Link in as though to impart a great secret. "These are very special mushrooms, believe it or not. Take a little trip into your own little fantasy world, fills you with euphoria... just what a suffering guy like you needs."

Link eyed the mushrooms. "Seems pretty ordinary to me."

"Special enchantment," Pit explained, leaning back a bit. "They're made to look like that so we can traffic them a little easier. I mean, stamina shrooms are already legal in quite a bit of our good country, but what these actually are... they're not legal anywhere in the universe."

"Even in Knytt?"

"Oh, _especially_ in Knytt," Pit nodded. "They can only be made there, but it's just as illegal there as anywhere else."

"What's with the unanimous blanket ban?" Link asked, eyeing the mushrooms warily.

"They're potent," Pit explained once more. "Take too much, and you fall into a dream you can't wake up from. Pretty hard to lessen the effects, too- I knew one wine enthusiast who tried distilling a batch of these shrooms he'd found into a whole wine cellar's worth of liquor, and it was _still_ too potent."

"And I want this, because?" Link asked.

"Look, it's fine as long as you only take a small bite at a time," Pit assured him. "Little nibbles, alright? You do that, you'll be just fine, and trust me, those minutes you're under... best of your life."

"How much?" Link asked.

"Hmm... thirty gold coins ought to cut it for one."

Link examined the shrooms closely, before producing a small bag of money. "I'll take all three."

"Well, thank you very much, good sir!" Pit grinned, shaking Link's hand as he took the money. Once his hands were freed, he handed the mushrooms over.

Link held them, examining them closely. Looking up, he asked, "Look, Pit, like I said, I've had kind of a rough day today... mind if I take a bit here?"

"Hey, by all means!" Pit waved his arms to communicate his consent. "What's mine is yours, and all that..."

But even as Link raised one of the mushrooms to his lips, the curtain fell again.

XXXX

"Yeah, because that didn't sound like a drug deal at all," Mario muttered, welcoming Link back to the magical world of 'backstage.'

"What can I say, it was all in a script written by an insane hand after a night of old movies, old pizza, and old soda," Link shrugged. Glancing to his other friend, he asked, "So, Zelda, you feeling alright?"

Zelda was sitting in a chair next to Luigi, breathing very heavily. "Oh, yeah... I'm fine, don't know why you'd..."

"Oh, no reason," Link shrugged. "I'm sure you'll do just fine."

XXXX

Finally, the curtain rose once more, this time with only Zelda on-stage, sitting down in what seemed to be a living room set. From stage left came a knock on the door, prompting Zelda to turn her attention to it. "The door's not locked, you can come in!"

The door opened up, and Link stepped through, looking around as he would were he to enter Zelda's actual house. "Nice place you got here," he commented.

"I certainly like to think so," Zelda nodded. "So, can I assume you're Link Faron, the one Shulk sent to represent himself for the night?"

"Yeah, that's me," Link shrugged, a slight smile crossing his face. "Sorry if I don't exactly meet your expectations."

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that," Zelda shook her head. "It's just... well. Shulk wants to keep me as a possible client, but can't be bothered to meet me himself. What a piece of work, huh?"

"I guess that's one way to put it," Link shrugged once more, trying to channel someone who was uncomfortable talking smack about his boss. "Um... whenever you're ready to go, I guess..."

"I've been ready for a while," Zelda nodded, standing. "Come on, I know this great place not that far from here."

With that, the curtain fell again, but this time, it was only a brief time before it rose on Link and Zelda walking into what seemed to be a restaurant establishment. Kirby, once more, acted as waiter, walking in from off-stage to take Link and Zelda to their seats. When they'd sat down at the table, set right in the middle of the stage, naturally, he took their orders and headed off.

"Nice place indeed," Link nodded, looking around. "Not exactly what I immediately thought of when you said you knew a place."

"A little campy for your liking?" Zelda asked, glancing at him with an almost amused look in her eye.

"Not for my liking, so much," Link shook his head. "It's just... not the place I'd have expected you to pick."

"Well, I guess we've got plenty to learn about each other," Zelda smiled. Noticing Link's averted eyes, she added, "Something wrong?"

"Ah, no, it's... it' s just been kind of a rough day," Link muttered. "Me and my partner finally finished up this job for Shulk, then everything kind of went to hell... we finally fix everything up, and next thing I know, he's bailing on me."

"'Bailing' on you?" Zelda repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, we've been working together for years and years... and all of a sudden, he just ducks out and leaves the organization," Link muttered, shaking his head. "Such a waste..."

Further conversation was interrupted by Kirby coming back. "And that is one Coca Cola for Mr. Lime Green," he smirked at Link as he dropped said soda in front of him, "and one Baja Blast for his lady friend!"

"Thanks, Kirby," Zelda smiled. "I'll be sure to tip you good for this one."

"Oh, don't worry about it, lady," Kirby shrugged. "Believe it or not, I'm not the biggest guy on tipping in the universe myself."*

"If you say so," Zelda shrugged, before waving Kirby off. Turning to her drink, she took a long sip. "Mmm!" she exclaimed, examining her drink. "That is some good soda! You ever had a Baja Blast, Link?"

"Can't say I have," Link shook his head.

"Come on, then, here, try some of mine!"

"Oh, you don't have to-"

"Of course I don't have to," Zelda agreed. "But come on, don't be a jerk about it, this is good stuff."

Link tentatively took the glass that was almost being shoved at him, and examined the contents. Carefully, he removed the straw, prompting an exasperated sigh from Zelda. "Oh, come on, big guy, afraid of a few cooties?"

"It's not cooties that are bothering me," Link shook his head. He then proceeded to simply drink directly from the glass itself. Looking across the table, he saw Zelda awaiting the verdict. "It's good," he smiled as he replaced the straw and slid the soda back to her. "I mean, I don't know if I'd go as far to say it's the best thing I've ever drunk, but it's definitely good."

"And that's all it has to be," Zelda smiled.

A long moment of silence followed. A long moment of silence. A looooooong moment of silence. And I'm talking a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong moment of silence. You might think I'm kidding here, but when I say it was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong moment of silence, I'm talking a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong moment of silence. As in, the audience started to get uncomfortable, and murmurs started to fill the seats.

Which is exactly when Zelda broke that incredibly loooong silence with, "Did you hear that?" Everyone in the audience froze, as if afraid she was talking about them.

"Hear what?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"An uncomfortable silence," Zelda explained. "It's stupid- why is it built into us humans to be so uncomfortable with silence that we resort to talking about a bunch of stupid smeg nobody really cares about just to fill it up?"

Link shrugged, looking contemplative. "I think I heard someone say once that silence is like darkness- humans fear both so much that they'll do anything to fill it up."

"That's a bunch of philosophical nonsense and we both know it," Zelda shook her head. "So, here's how this is going to work- I'm going to go over to the lady's room, and by the time I get back, I want you to have thought of something to say."

"If you say so," Link shrugged. Zelda gave a slight smile before standing and heading offstage, leading to another long period of silence. Link simply sat at the table, taking an occasional drink of his coke.

"Oh, come on, is this really necessary? All this silence has _got_ to be annoying the audience at least a _little_ by now," Mario grumbled, only for everyone else to silence him.

Eventually, Kirby stepped out and put some food on the table before stepping back off-stage. No sooner had he vanished than Zelda returned, resuming her seat and making a pleased-sounding noise at seeing the food already awaiting her. "Ah, don't you just love that?" she asked as she sat. "Go to the bathroom, and by the time you get back, your food's already arrived?"

"I guess so," Link shrugged.

Zelda scrutinized him closely. "So, you held up your end of the deal? Think of something to talk about?"

"Yeah, I... I think I've got something," Link muttered, sounding slightly uncomfortable.

"Well, from the tone of your voice, it sounds like this is a little better than the usual 'getting-to-know-you' junk," Zelda noted, sounding pleased. "Not gonna ask me what my favorite color is, or my favorite book, or anything like that- sounds like you've actually got something to say!"

"Yeah, that... that would be one way of putting it."

"Well, come on, spit it out!"

Link looked up at her from where he'd been examining his food. "If I ask you this, you have to promise not to get offended."

"Oh, don't do that to me," Zelda shook her head. "We're not playing that game, Link. I have absolutely no _idea_ what you're about to say to me- it could be anything, from asking me what shows I used to watch as a kid to asking me how I got my hair to be so blond. I can't just say that I won't get offended, because I don't know if what you're going to say will be offensive, and if it is, I'd be breaking my promise, through no fault of my own, you see?"

"I think so," Link muttered. Speaking up a bit, he asked, "Have you ever... did you know a guy named Yu Narukami?"

"I've heard the name before, yeah," Zelda nodded. "Don't know why you say 'did you know,' he's still alive."

"He is?" Link asked, surprised.

"Oh, yeah," Zelda nodded. "Why, should he not be?"

Link shrugged. "Well, it's just that... well, I kinda heard this crazy rumor... it was going around with the Word on the Wind, you know what's that like..." He paused for a minute, but Zelda didn't interrupt, simply motioning with her hands for him to continue. Link sighed. "They were saying that Shulk threw Yu Narukami off a mountain for getting too close to you."

Zelda blinked. "Oh, really?"

"Like I said, it was a crazy rumor..."

"Well, bits of it are true," Zelda conceded, prompting Link to look up in surprise. Sighing, she elaborated- "By which I mean, Shulk _did_ toss Yu Narukami off of something, but it wasn't a mountain- he pushed him off a two-story building into the lake around his house in Colony 9. He got some nasty injuries, true, and I've heard he suffered some brain damage, but he's still alive."

"And..."

"And?" Zelda prompted him.

"And... was it because he got close to you?"

"No, it wasn't," Zelda shook her head. "I don't claim to know the inner goings-on of Shulk Clairvoya's mind, but Yu Narukami was never any closer to me that anybody else."

"You're sure?" Link prompted right back.

"Look, the only people who could really tell you what went on between Shulk Clairvoya and Yu Narukami... are Shulk Clairvoya and Yu Narukami. All I can say is that whatever happened, it had nothing to do with me."

Link sighed and pressed his hands to his face, leaning back in his chair. Zelda watched with more quiet amusement. "I suppose that's a load off your mind, isn't it? Can I ask if you've heard anything else about me?"

"Well, nothing really important," Link shook his head. "Just that... you were going to be the star of a video game..."

"Oh, that," Zelda shook her head, turning red for the first time. "Yeah, that didn't exactly pan out like I'd hoped it would."

"What was it?"

"Well, it was this company, Phillips. They wanted to promote their new system, the CD-I, by slapping my name on a game and selling them that way."

"And... did it work?"

"Of course it didn't work, the games were terrible," Zelda shook her head. "Broken down, barely functional embarrassments."

"What were they like?"

"I don't even want to talk about it," Zelda shook her head.

Link opened his mouth to press her further, only for Kirby to jump out from back stage and call out, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for our weekly dance-off! The winner will take home this lovely trophy, made with the blood, sweat and tears of my good brother, who, sadly, didn't make it in today!"

Under her breath, Zelda muttered, "Thank the Wave Existence, a distraction." Out loud, she quickly said, "Come on, Link, let's get up there!"

"What?!" Link asked, panic spreading across his face. "Um, I'm not sure-"

"What's to be sure about?" Zelda asked, waving his fear aside. "Come on, your boss said to do what I wanted tonight, right? Well, right now, I want to win that trophy!"

Link was still clearly reluctant, but allowed Zelda to drag him up to a stage on top of the stage they were already standing on, and start off dancing.

What followed was the most intensely embarrassing series of writhing and twitching dance moves ever recorded outside of a Wiggles tape. Kirby and Meta Knight, naturally, recorded the whole thing for posterity from just off-stage, quietly filing the footage away under 'blackmail,' and serving as some comic relief for the more intensely frightened members of the cast, such as Lucas and Luigi, her were able to get a good laugh out of the whole thing. It is believed that to this day, the footage still exists, tucked in some darkened corner of Youtube, blocked off by a firewall that can only be broken by those who possess all three pieces of the Unholy Triforce. It is said that if anyone unlocks this firewall and witnesses the footage first-hand, it will drive them into madness, and if it were ever to be exposed to the general public, it could cause universal chaos that would ultimately result in the unraveling of the entire space-time continuum.

In other words, it was really, _really_ bad, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief as the curtain lowered once more.

XXXX

Once again, the curtain was only down for a brief amount of time before rising again, with Link and Zelda making their way back into Zelda' s house, laughing and chortling and carrying the dance-off trophy with them. Link took off his belt and tossed it in a nearby chair.

"That... may just have been one of the greatest nights of my life," Zelda grinned.

"It was terrible for me," Link laughed, almost bent over double, "but looking back on it... I guess memories are like cheese. Give this one time to age, we'll see how it goes."

"Want to wrap up this night properly?" Zelda asked, a note of suggestion creeping into her voice.

Link froze, looking absolutely terrified as he turned to look at her. But no, she was serious. Finally, he gulped and said, "You know what, first, I gotta go take a dump. Can I get back to you on that?"

Zelda laughed again, and motioned for him to go on ahead. Link quickly hustled offstage, leaving Zelda to shake her head, still laughing lightly, until her eyes fell on Link's discarded belt- one of the pouches on it had opened up slightly, allowing her to see one of the power-ups within. "Hm? What have we here?" she asked out loud, taking one out and examining it. "Let's see, red cap, white spots... basic power shroom?" Glancing around, she shrugged. "Well, these things are a dime a dozen. I'm sure it's no skin off his nose." With that, she popped the whole thing into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. For a moment, she gave a satisfied smile, before abruptly turning and collapsing to the ground. Curtain fall once more.

The curtain rose up on Link standing off to the side, limelight drawing the audience's attention to him. "Okay, Link. You can do this. You're a cool guy, Shulk chose you for this job, you can do this." Sighing, he took off his hat to wipe his forehead before turning and crossing the stage back towards Zelda. "Alright, Zelda, let's... do... this..."

His voice faltered as his eyes fell on Zelda, laying on the ground, almost motionless. Eyes roving around, they fell on his discarded belt. "Oh, crap! Smeg! Crud!" he cried, rushing over to said belt. Sure enough, one of his mushrooms was missing. Looking back, he saw Zelda twitching slightly. Rushing over to her, he turned her over and examined her closely. "Zelda! Are you okay? Zelda? ZEEEELDAAAAA!"

She was muttering rapidly under her breath. "The Burger King... he's singing _What is Love?_ What is love? Baby, don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more..."

" _Smeg!"_ Link repeated. "Come on, Zelda, we're going on a little trip..."

"In our favorite rocketship?" Zelda muttered, eyes fluttering open and closed with no consistency whatsoever.

A swift curtain transition later, (apparently, nobody at the Smash Mansion knows how real theater works,) and Link was carrying Zelda into a room. Both Pits, light and dark, came rushing in. "Link, what the heck, man, what the _actual_ Hades?!" Pit cried out, his attitude much changed from his earlier scene. "What are you doing bursting into my house at this time of night-"

"We don't have time, Pit," Link shook his head quickly. "I've got a girl here who ate one of those mushrooms you gave me- the whole thing!"

"What?!" Pit cried. "The _smeg_ did you let her do that for?"

"I was in the bathroom!" Link cried. "Now, you gonna help me fix her or what?!"

"What makes you think I know how to revive someone who's overdosed on that stuff?!" Pit shouted back. "I just sell the dr- power-ups-" he quickly corrected himself- "-that doesn't mean I know how to handle a situation like this!"

Link growled as he pulled out his crossbow and pointed it at Pit, who, ghost though he was, raised his hands and backed up, panicked. "Look, Link, let's talk about this, don't be hasty..."

"Hasty?!" Link cried. " _Hasty?_ I've got Shulk Clairvoy's prospective client- someone he happens to be _very_ protective of- slipping into an eternal coma thanks to your drug, and all you can say is that I'm being freaking HASTY?!"

Dark Pit cleared his throat. "I think I remember seeing a book around here somewhere that said how to do it."

"Why didn't you say so earlier?!" Link shouted, turning the crossbow on him. "Go and freaking _get it!"_

"Okay, okay, keep your hair on!" Dark Pit shouted back, turning and beginning to rush around the stage alongside his lighter counterpart. "Dangit, Pit, this is your fault, why do you always keep this place so messy?!"

"Me?" Pit asked, sounding genuinely hurt. "You're the one who's always throwing wild parties here!"

Finally, Dark Pit received a prop book from off-stage. "Okay, found it!" he shouted. "Says that some blue chu jelly ought to fix her right up!"

"Is there any of that around here?!" Link asked urgently.

"I- I think I've got some, yeah," Pit nodded, continuing to rush around stage. "Oh, Wave Existence... Wave Existence, this is bad..."

Finally, Pit received the prop from off-stage. "Okay, I got it, here, give it to her!"

"Are you crazy?!" Link cried, looking skeptically at the blue jar he was being offered. "I'm not giving that to her, you do it!"

"Look, here's the deal!" Pit retorted. "If I ever accidentally poison a friend of mine and drag her to _your_ house, _I'll_ feed her the antidote. This time around, it's on you!"

Link opened and closed his mouth for a moment before shaking his head quickly, grabbing the jar, and rushing over to where Zelda was twitching on the ground. "I'm climbing my own body!" she was crying out. "I'm so big..."

"Yeah, that's great," Link muttered. "Hurry up and drink this, and it'll all be over..."

"I'm falling into my own head... I just keep falling, an endless black abyss..."

"Come on, Zelda, stay with me!" Link cried, forcefully dumping the blue chu jelly into Zelda's mouth, where he proceeded to force her to swallow. "Stay with me, Zelda! Come on!"

For a moment, Zelda seemed to be choking, gripping at the ground tightly, and finally- she sat bolt upright, spewing the entire contents right back into Link's face. For a long moment, everyone was silent, looking at each other over the odd scene. Finally, Link said, "Zelda... are you alright?"

Zelda slowly turned her head to him, her eyes half-closed. Acting as though she felt exceptionally weak, she raised her hand and beckoned him over to her. Link leaned in close, allowing her to mutter in his ear, "Don't ask stupid questions."

Pit allowed a breath to leave his ectoplasmic, non-existant lungs. "Well, if she can respond to you, I think she's going to be okay," he gave a small laugh, though he was still shaking. "Come on, let's clean you up..."

XXXX

One last curtain fall and rise for the act, and Link and Zelda had returned to Zelda's place. They sat down on opposite sides of the very-familiar-by-now table, awkwardly refusing to meet each other's eyes. "So... some night, huh?" Link took the initiative.

"Yeah... some night."

Another awkward silence, and Link coughed and spoke up. "You know... I think... it might be to everyone's benefit if... if Shulk never heard about this..."

"Oh, believe me, I'm putting this memory right into 'will never speak of again,'" Zelda assured him. "I can't forget this one soon enough."

"Yeah," Link muttered embarrassedly. "I guess... I guess I'll just go, then."

"Link!" Zelda spoke up, just as he was at the door. He turned back. "Even... even with this... I still had a nice night. Thank... thank you very much."

"Don't mention it," Link smiled back. "And hey, don't think this is getting you out of telling me about that video game of yours- I'll hear that story one day!"

"Maybe we'll have to schedule another date," Zelda smiled. "I'll tell you all about it then."

For a moment, Link opened and closed his mouth, before finally settling on a smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we will." With that, he walked offstage via the door, leaving Zelda to lay down quietly on her bed with a small smile on her face as the curtain fell for the final time that act.

XXXX

*Wow, that was an obscure reference. Can't believe I even made that joke- it'd take a serious Tarantino aficionado who was just as insane as I am to get _that_ joke.

Well, wasn't that a longy? It's starting to run kind of late, and I've got to go help my godmother throw a party for a bunch of kids tomorrow. And I guess there will be a bunch of friends I haven't seen in basically forever there as well, so that's a bonus. Anyways, next time, we get to see Lucina's side of the story in _The Girl with the Dragon Necklace!_ See you all then! Until next time, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	4. The Girl with the Dragon Necklace

Gamer4 in. Well, three weeks on, it is finally time to get back to updating this story! I mean, come on, only three chapters left, I have no right to _not_ see this one through. Leaping right in!

Disclaimer: In case you were wondering, yes, I _was_ thinking of that movie, _The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo_ , when I wrote this chapter's title. Not that I've actually ever _seen_ it... Nah, I was too busy watching _The Princess Bride._ As this chapter should make pretty evident.

Chapter III

The Girl with the Dragon Necklace

As the curtain fell again, Mario turned his eyes on Lucina and Robin, who were quietly whispering at each other off to the side. "Hey, look alive!" he muttered quickly. "You guys are up next!"

"Right on," Lucina nodded, turning her attention towards him. "We were just discussing a last-minute revision to the script."

"Are you kidding? The Master Hand changed it up _again?!"_ Mario muttered back- they'd experienced enough changes in the weeks proceeding the event.

"No, this is our own little enhancement," Robin shook her head, casually glancing down to confirm that she was, indeed, a 'her.' "Lucina's idea, and I agreed."

"What exactly are you changing?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just a few words here and there," Lucina shrugged. "No time to talk, we need to get into position!"

XXXX

The curtain rose once more, entering the third act. The sounds of generic, stereotypical children's cartoons came from one side of the stage- the same side of the stage where Lucina sat, covered in a large amount of blankets and sitting on a chair, staring off to the side, presumably at the 'television.' A second later, Meta Knight came hobbling out from the other side, dressed like a stereotypical old woman, with a dress, wig, and overlarge glasses. "Lucina!" he called out in a shrill voice that had everyone either sniggering or grimacing as the pressed their hands against their ears. "You've got a visitor!"

"Who is it, mama?" Lucina asked in a strangely high voice, turning her attention towards the atrocity that was Meta Knight in drag.

"It's your Auntie Robin!" Meta Knight responded, ignoring the horrorstruck look on Lucina's face as he turned and called out, "Alright, she's ready!"

Cue Lucina face faulting as Robin emerged... as a male. "Wow," she muttered, slipping into her normal voice. "Didn't realize that my 'Aunt' was a man."

"What?" Robin asked, glancing down. "Ahhhhhhh... crud. Well, you see, Lucy, Auntie's had a lot of work done..."

A very awkward silence fell, until finally Robin cleared his throat and broke it. "So, Little Lucy, what do you know about your Daddy?"

"Momma always told me he went away to fight, but that he died..." Lucina returned to her awkward small-child voice, in tune with the script.

"Well, that is definitely true," Robin nodded his agreement. "I fought with him, too. A long, hard war between Ylisse and a bunch of monsters called the Risen. It was a... terrible experience, one that he didn't make it through, sad to say. But before he died, he told me this story, and passed on one last present to give his little girl, if I ever returned home. He died without ever laying eyes on you, but he was thinking of you right to the bitter end."

As he spoke, Robin reached into her pocket and produced a necklace- a fine chain at the end of which sat an intricately designed dragon made out of crystal. Lowering the necklace, Robin began to speak again.

"This necklace is an old family heirloom. Your father got it from his father, who got it from his father, who won it from some guy in Doluna after a _very_ intense game of extreme poker. Your great grandfather passed it on to your grandad after the end of a war with Doluna- a war he won. He put it down to this necklace, right here, that he got home alive. As he lay on his deathbed at the ripe age of 97, he passed this necklace on to his son- a good luck charm that would ensure his son would survive.

"Unfortunately, your grandpa got involved in a war, too- against the dreaded nation of Daein. In the final battle of the war, your grandfather was in a platoon of five mercenaries against an entire army of Laguz. Nobody there expected to get out alive, and sure enough, they didn't. This necklace didn't save your grandfather that day- the only one who survived was an insignificant cook that managed to escape the carnage while the mercenaries drew the Laguz's attention. And when he arrived back home, the first thing that cook did was to find your father, and pass on this very necklace, given to him by your grandfather. It's beautiful, in a way, how your grandfather trusted this cook, who he'd never even met before, to deliver this necklace to his son, who he'd never even seen before...

"I hope that it's something you'll never have to experience," Robin continued, "but it's starting to seem like war is written into your family's blood, because as your father grew up, he enlisted in the army to fight against those enemies of all smashers everywhere- the Risen. He and I fought side-by-side in that war, and became very close. Again, something that I hope you'll never have to go through yourself, but when two people are in a situation like that, they start to form special relationships that they might not have in other situations. We were together all through that war, up until we were both captured by the Risen and kept in one of their prison camps. And that was where he told me all this. He loved this necklace, and was intent on seeing that it pass on to you. The way he saw it, it was yours, it was your birthright as a Mercer! And _smeg_ if he was going to let them take it away from you, so he hid it in the one place he knew he could- his stomach!"

XXXX

"His stomach?" Mario blinked, turning to his script and flicking through it. "It wasn't supposed to be his stomach, was it?"

"No, it was supposed to be somewhere very different," Dark Pit commented, lowering his eyes. "But all said and done, I think this way is better."

XXXX

"Yup, his stomach!" Robin nodded. "Swallowed it up and managed to keep it there for five years! Eventually, he died... of a stomach infection... and the last thing he did was regurgitate this necklace, and pass it on to me. I swore I'd get it to you, if I ever got the chance, and hid this very large... not conducive to healthy digestion... necklace in the one place I knew I could manage it. Five years, it just sat there in my stomach, until I was finally rescued. And now, after all that, it's time to finally pass it on to its rightful owner- it's time to pass it on... to you."

Steadily, Robin and Lucina reached out to each other, and Robin dropped the necklace into Lucina's hand.

Abruptly, a strobe effect filled the auditorium, leaving everyone distracted as Robin and Meta Knight rushed off-stage, leaving Lucina to stand, tossing the blankets away from her, off the stage, revealing her ordinary clothes underneath. Finally, the light stabilized, and Kirby poked his head out from behind a curtain. "Ms. Mercer, are you ready for the fight?"

"Just about," Lucina nodded, drawing her sword and gazing at the light reflecting off of it.

"Sweet!" Kirby grinned, ducking off-stage again. A moment later, his voice echoed through the stadium. "EPIC SMASHER MELEES OF HISTORY! LUCINAAAAAAAAA MERCER VS... REYN WHEELER... BEGIN!"

As Lucina moved forward, the lights all faded to black.

XXXX

As Robin returned, Mario turned to stare at her. "The stomach?"

"Don't get on us about it," Robin shook his head.

"The freaking stomach?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

"Better than what was in the script? At least that was somewhat feasible!"

"Ah, what do you expect from someone in Sierra?" Link shrugged.

" _Not_ the time, Link, I'm straight-manning here!" Mario objected.

"It's not the time for that, either!" Robin hissed. "Lucina's up!"

XXXX

The lights faded back in, with Lucina running across the stage to where Pit sat at the wheel of a very obviously cardboard car. She climbed into the back and quickly ordered him to "Drive!" Pit nodded, and the two of them lifted the cardboard up and ran off-stage, Flinstone-style. No, I don't know how Pit managed it, being a ghost and all.

Just as they left, Link entered from the opposite end of the stage, with Zelda right behind him. "Shulk's not gonna like this... he really isn't..."

"What is it?" Zelda asked.

"Shulk's been betrayed!" Link exclaimed. "He payed that scum, Lucina Mercer, to throw a fight against his friend, and-"

"She went ahead and won anyways?" Zelda guessed.

"More than that," Link muttered. "She took all the money Shulk gave her and bet it all on herself. She leaked the news out that the fight was fixed against her, everyone bet on Reyn, and then, not only did she win and walk away with all that money..."

"She went above and beyond," came a new voice, drawing both Link and Zelda's attention to Shulk, entering the stage as well. His face was cast down and in shadow. "I've already been told, Link. I've already been told that Reyn is dead."

Link cringed. "Your... your orders, sir?"

"Find her," Shulk muttered, quietly but with more danger in his voice than if he'd been shouting. "Find her, and bring her to me. Dead or alive."

Link nodded earnestly, and ran off-stage with Zelda in tow. Shulk turned and walked off in the opposite direction. A moment later, Lucina and Pit appeared, Flintstoning it around the stage as they struck up a new conversation.

"So, Ms. Mercer," Pit began, "I'm guessing that you're on the run from someone in a very powerful spot, paying me so much to get you out in a hurry."

"Trust me, buddy, the less you know, the better," Lucina responded.

"I heard on the radio, about a fight between someone named Reyn Wheeler and Lucina Mercer," Pit noted. "Mercer... Mercer... that name sounds familiar..."

"Right in one," Lucina acknowledged. "Does that make a difference to you?"

"No, no, none at all," Pit shrugged. "Not everyday I get to drive a killer around."

Lucina's eyes widened in shock. "...Killer?"

"Didn't you hear?" Pit asked. "You must have beaten that Reyn up pretty bad- he just died of his injuries. It was on the radio."

Lucina blinked, and her lips moved minutely as if to form the words, "Sorry, Reyn." However, she quickly shook it off and returned with a hardened face. "And? What of it?"

"Will you tell me how it feels?" Pit asked, looking back at her in anticipation.

"How what feels?"

"To kill someone!"

Lucina blinked again. "You have a very strange taste if that's the first thing that comes to mind..."

"Well, I've never killed anyone," Pit shrugged. "Is it any wonder that I'm curious?"

Lucina stayed quiet for a moment, then sighed. "Alright, you want to know how it feels to kill someone?"

"Yup!"

"Well, there's a problem with that," Lucina explained. "I didn't know he'd died until you told me about it. Now that I know, you want to know how I feel?" Pit shrugged, and Lucina continued. "I don't feel bad at all. It's on him- if he'd fought a little harder, he'd still be alive." It was hard to tell whether the discomfort on her face was from the actress Lucina, or the character Lucina.

Finally, she looked out of the window and said, "Alright, that's good, stop here. This is where I'm meeting him."

She climbed out from behind the cardboard car, and went to Pit's window, where she produced a small sack of coins. "Alright, remember, if anyone asks you if you drove a Lucina Mercer around tonight, you say..."

"Lucina who?" Pit smiled.

"There you go," Lucina nodded, dropping the pouch towards Pit's hand. Pit stared as it fell right through, performed the ghost equivalent of blushing, and quickly dashed off-stage. Lucina sighed and slid both the cardboard car setup and the coins off-stage as well. As she turned back towards the main stage, Dark Pit appeared, floating gently an inch or so above the ground. "Hey, Lucina, you're back!"

"Told you I would be," Lucina smiled.

"So your plan worked?"

"Of course it did," Lucina performed a strange sort of bow. "One could say it almost worked better than I'd expected..."

"Yeah, I heard about that," Dark Pit nodded, his voice and face suddenly becoming very serious. "We're in trouble now, aren't we?"

"Yeah..." Lucina nodded. "Look, we'll stay at the hotel tonight, then tomorrow, we take our money and book it for Yllise- they won't be able to get to us there. And from there on, we'll just be living the sweet life!"

"Better than the suite life," Dark Pit noted.

"Puns like that will get you murdered, sir," Lucina smirked.

"And I'd like to see anyone try," Dark Pit shot back.

As they were speaking, a two-man bed made its way on-stage. Apparently, they were now supposed to be in the hotel room.

Pit lay down in the bed. "So, do you think that maybe someone in Yllise can bring me back to life?"

"Back to life?" Lucina blinked.

"I heard that someone in Yllisa had the ability to bring people back from the dead. You've got so much money now, and it would be great to enjoy a good old-fashioned breakfast again..."

"I wouldn't put too much stock on that," Lucina shook her head. "Every time someone tries to come back from the dead, it always ends up going horribly awry."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Dark Pit acknowledged, leaning back. "But still, it makes you wonder..."

"Come on, let's turn in early tonight," Lucina suggested, turning towards him. "It's going to be a long day tomorrow if we're going to get to Yllise..."

The lights faded out again. As they faded back in, they were much brighter. The moment they did, Lucina sat bolt upright on the bed, a frightened look on her face.

Dark Pit had already risen from the bed in the meantime. "Something wrong there, Lucy?" he asked, a note of false concern entering his voice.

"No, nothing, just a nightmare," Lucina shook her head as she stood. "Come on, let's get going." Even as she spoke, she moved towards the suitcases also wheeled out in the darkness, performing some last-minute checks on them.

"Already?" Dark Pit blinked, sounding surprised. "I mean, of course, I don't need breakfast, but I thought that you might."

"We can get breakfast on the road," Lucina brushed him aside as she went through the case. "Don't want to stick around here longer... than... necessary..."

"Something wrong?" Dark Pit asked, leaning forward.

"Wh... where is it?" Lucina asked. "Where is it? Where is it?!" As she continued to speak, both her speech and actions became more frenzied, until she upended the suitcase all over the bed and began frantically scouring the contents.

"Where's what?" Dark Pit asked, caught off guard. "Something wrong?"

"It's missing!" Lucina cried.

"What is?!"

"My necklace! My dragon necklace- it was a present from my father! Where is it?!"

"It should be there!" Dark Pit cried back.

"Are you sure? You're sure you packed it back at the apartment?"

"Yeah, I'm sure!"

Lucina, having concluded that the necklace was not in the flotsam and jetsam currently covering the bed, turned on Dark Pit. "You're _absolutely sure?!_ Absolutely, posi-freaking-tively _certain_ that you got my necklace?!"

Dark Pit opened his mouth to confirm yes, but then seemed to abruptly halt himself. "Er..."

"DID YOU GET IT OR DID YOU NOT?!"

"I... I think I did..."

"THERE IS NO 'I THINK!' EITHER YOU _DID_ GET IT OR YOU DIDN'T!"

"I... I'm not certain..."

Lucina froze for a minute, then upended the bed, causing even Dark Pit to leap back. When she turned on him, she was speaking dangerously once more. "My father went through hell to get that necklace to me. It's been in my family for four _frakking_ generations!"

Dark Pit was steadily backing away, even as Lucina approached. Finally, though, they both stopped. Lucina put her face in her hands, and made as though wiping something away off of her nose. Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke, sounding much more calm than before. "But... but it's not... it's not your fault... you forgot my necklace. Now that I think back... I never really made it clear to you how important that necklace was to me. I should have- I should have made it absolutely clear that that necklace is my... my most important possession... even more than my sword. That necklace... is everything to me. I should have told you, should have made sure you understood... I mean, you're not a mind reader... unless you've been keeping secrets from me... have you?"

"No... no, I haven't been keeping secrets..." Dark Pit responded, still sounding shaken. Lucina took another deep breath, and spoke again.

"Alright then, fair enough. I'm heading out- I'll take the Exo Tank. I'm going back to the apartment... to get my necklace."

"You're going back to the apartment?!" Dark Pit gasped. "You- you can't- that's the first place they'd look for you!"

"I know," Lucina nodded. "But I'm not leaving Kurain without that necklace. Stay here- I'll be back as soon as I can."

"No- let me come with you- I can help you find it, make up for leaving it behind-"

"Hey," Lucina interrupted. "I don't blame you, you don't have to make anything up. I'll get it myself... sit tight, I'll be back ASAP."

Dark Pit nodded, and walked off-stage. As soon as he was gone, Lucina flipped out. "THAT FREAKING MORON FORGOT MY FREAKING NECKLACE! I MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT NECKLACE WAS PRIORITY NUMBER 1, BUT THEN HE HAS TO GO AND FORGET IT! FREAKING ECTOPLASM FOR BRAINS! FREAKING-"

At which point another fade-to-black signaled a change in scene. When it faded in again, Shulk and Link were sitting together around a table, with a chest of drawers nearby with a necklace on top of it. The two of them were playing a game of Monopoly on the table. Link smiled as he rolled the dice and moved his piece. "This is the best idea you've ever had," he said to his 'boss' as he picked up a chance card. "Everyone else out looking for Lucina, we just recline back at her place and get a day off."

"This isn't a vacation, Link," Shulk reprimanded quietly. "We're keeping an eye out in case she _does_ decide to come home for some reason... though I don't know why she would." He smiled conspiratorially at Link as he picked up the dice and rolled. "Now, let's see... ah, crud."

"Ha!" Link cheered. "On Pacific, _with a hotel!_ Deal with that, Shulk!"

"I do believe... I am bankrupt," Shulk muttered, looking through all his money. "Well, I guess that means I have to go get the donuts."

"Not a vacation, huh?" Link smirked.

"Oh, shut up," Shulk smiled, heading towards the edge of the stage. "Back in a second."

"Get me some coffee, too, why don't you?" Link called out.

"I'm not a waiter, Link, I'm your boss!"

"Yeah, sure," Link smirked. "Lots of milk, but don't put any sugar in it, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Shulk smiled as he headed off-stage.

Link smiled as he glanced at the Monopoly board. "What are the odds?" he thought out loud. "Must be my lucky day."

A growling sound went out over the speakers. Link looked around as if in surprise, then shrugged. "Looks like nature calls." With that, he stood and headed off-stage as well.

As soon as he was gone, Lucina appeared, sneaking across the room, glancing constantly from side to side. Moving as stealthily as possible, she made her way towards the chest of drawers. Looking down at it, she scoffed as she reached down and picked the necklace up, wasting no time in throwing it around her neck. With it present, she seemed much calmer, relaxing and taking a quick seat in one of the chairs... until she noticed the Monopoly board set there. A flushing sound came from just off-stage, causing Lucina to freeze as she slowly turned around. Quickly, she jumped to her feet and drew her own sword, moving forward slowly but steadily. Finally, Link re-entered the stage. Looking up, he jolted backwards as he saw Lucina standing there with her sword poised and ready. The two stared each other down for a long moment before Lucina lunged forward with her blade...

CLANG!

XXXX

"What?" Zelda gasped.

"The heck?" Robin finished.

"Well, _that_ wasn't in the script," Mario muttered.

XXXX

Link stood there, his own sword out and blocking Lucina's. "What are you doing?" Lucina hissed, glancing at the audience. "You're supposed to be dead already!"

"What, you think I'm just going to let a Sierra beat me, even in a fixed fight?!" Link growled. "No, I'm turning this story around!"

He pulled his sword back and drove it towards Lucina, who deflected it right away. The two stepped backwards into the stage, moving slowly and cautiously. Every now and again, one of them stepped forward and swung at their opponent, only to have the sword driven away. This was followed by some more circling, a brief flurry of activity, and more steady circling.

"Come on, afraid to actually fight?" Link taunted.

"Rule number 1 of swordplay: always get the measure of your opponent first," Lucina pointed out.

"That is true," Link acknowledged. "What kind of sword techniques do you have up your sleeve?"

Lucina shrugged, then lunged forward, aiming high, only to abruptly switch to a side strike. Link, however, saw through it, blocking the side and pressing forward. For the first time, they began to duel in earnest, pushing each other back and forth across the stage.

Link leapt around towards Lucina's back, but she swung her sword behind and blocked this strike as well. She responded by sheathing her sword, only to bring it out, putting all her power behind one more swing, which Link dodged by leaping directly over her, attempting to strike at her head as he passed but finding his sword's path blocked once again.

After a few more minutes of furious fighting, Link smiled. "Well, you're definitely not half bad... for someone from Sierra."

"I liked you up until that last part," Lucina muttered.

"In fact, I might even say you're better than I am!" Link admitted.

"Well, that _is_ a compliment, especially from you," Lucina noted, her eyes wide. "But that doesn't explain why you're smiling."

"I know something you don't know," Link grinned.

"And that is...?"

"I... am not right handed!"

Link managed to push Lucina back enough to toss his sword through the air, from the right hand he'd been using to his left. From there on, Lucina began losing, being pushed further and further back and not really gaining much ground in return. It continued until Link had his sword practically at her throat, only barely being held back by Lucina's own falchion. As she strained to keep it back, Lucina grumbled out, "There's... something I should tell you..."

"A last wish?" Link suggested quizzaciously.

"No... the truth is... I _am_ right-handed."

Link looked down at the left hand holding Lucina's sword, then up at her smirk. She kicked him backwards into the stage and tossed her falchion into her dominant hand. From there, the fight continued to go back and forth, and as it did, something very strange happened- the anger towards each other that had once filled both faces began to fade away, replaced by something very much like enjoyment. As the steel clashed, it seemed to be wearing away at their hatred towards each other, replaced by the simple thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of their rivals.

"You really are pretty darn good," Link smiled. "You know how to handle that sword, that's for sure."

"You too," Lucina smiled back. "You know, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they fight with a sword."

"That's what _I'm_ always saying!" Link agreed. "Not that anyone really listens to me..."

"Too true, too true," Lucina nodded. "There really aren't enough people in Sierra who appreciate swordsmanship. Even Robin just keeps using that freaking book."

"Doesn't he... she... whatever... have a sword?"

"Yeah, but that book's her...his... whatever... power controller. S/he only uses the sword when s/he absolutely _has_ to."

Link blinked. "When did we get the ability to hear forward slashes?"

"Just now," Lucina shrugged.

Finally, they brought their swords together, staring each other down and pressing as hard as they could. "You know, this fight's been great and all," Lucina acknowledged, "but, you know, the script _does_ call for you to lose."

"Or rather, it didn't call for a fight at all," Mario grumbled, only to get pinched into silence by Zelda.

"It does?" Link blinked. "Oh... you're right. So it does." He pulled his sword back, deliberately leaving himself wide open, and Lucina ran her blade right past his face. He took a couple exaggerated steps back, his eyes wide open. "YOOOOOOOU'VE KILLED MEEEEEEEE!" he cried, before keeling over on the ground.

"Good," Lucina smirked, twirling her sword around as she sheathed her blade again. Checking to make sure she had the crystal dragon around her neck, she turned and ran off-stage. Another fade to black.

XXXX

Link scampered back off-stage. As he did, Mario glared at him. "So much for following the script, huh?"

"Oh, ease off, Mario," Link shrugged. "It was fun!"

"You had fun out there?" Zelda asked, surprised.

"Yeah... you know, she might not be as bad as I thought at first..."

"And that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!" Robin stepped in, female form.

"Though that still doesn't explain why you can't just pick a gender," Link noted without missing a beat. Hah. Music humor.

"See? She says that all the time- you're more alike than you know!"

"I'm pretty sure you get that from pretty much everyone," Mario pointed out.

XXXX

Meanwhile, back on stage, Shulk had reappeared, walking across the stage with a bag in one hand and a tray of coffee in the other. As he got to the middle point, Lucina entered from the other side, carrying under one arm another piece of cardboard cut out to resemble a vehicle- in this case, the aforementioned Exo Tank. Kirby stood in the middle of the stage, dressed up like a crossing guard, ordering her to stop her vehicle, which she did. Shulk was on the point of moving past her when he looked up at the vehicle itself. Lucina looked up as well, and their eyes met. Shulk looked surprised, and Lucina suddenly looked horrified.

"Well, well, well..." Shulk muttered. "Must be my lucky day." With that, he dropped the donuts and coffee alike, reaching for and drawing his sword. Lucina reacted almost instinctively, rushing forward in the Exo Tank, prompting Shulk to leap to the side to simulate being hit. As Lucina rushed across the stage, a cardboard kart being driven by Meta Knight came out of seemingly nowhere, plowing into Lucina in her Exo Tank, knocking her aside and necessitating another dark-transition.

As the lights came on again, the focus seemed to be on Shulk as he pulled himself to his feet, with both Kirby and Meta looking down on him in concern. "You alright there, buddy?" Kirby asked. "I mean, that woman just went freaking insane, mowing you down like that. Need me to call an ambulance?"

His words were seemingly lost on Shulk, however, who immediately began looking intently around at the mention of 'that woman.' "Where is she? Where'd she go?"

"She's over there," Meta explained, indicating the other end of the stage, where Lucina was just managing to pull herself to her feet next to her fallen cardboard Exo Tank. "Accidentally hit her when she crossed the inter- whoa!"

This last was due to Shulk abruptly rising to his feet and drawing his sword, which was rapidly expanding until it was several times larger than it had been before. Lucina finally pulled herself to her feet, and, upon looking around and seeing him in pursuit, spun and began running in the opposite direction. Thus began one of the most... interesting scenes of the play, as Lucina and Shulk chased each other around. It almost got Scooby-Doo style at one point, with a hallway full of doors that the two of them ran in and out of almost at random. Shulk chased her, swinging his sword and yelling like a madman, as Lucina merely tried to get away.

Finally, a light shone on Wario, standing behind a wall. Lucina ran to said wall, jerked open the door, and entered. Quickly, she crouched down behind the wall, catching Wario's attention.

"Whoa, there, lady, is something-a going wrong?" he asked in his distinct voice.

"Quiet!" Lucina desperately begged him. "Keep quiet!"

"Why? What's-a goin' on?"

Lucina closed her eyes tightly Shulk appeared on stage again. He made his way over to the door Lucina had just gone into, hesitating only for a moment before entering. He immediately turned to Wario. "Where is she?" he asked threateningly.

However, before Wario even had the chance to answer, Lucina jumped Shulk from behind, smacking him upside the head with the hilt of her sword. He crumpled to the ground, and Lucina tossed the sword to the side in favor of getting down on top of Shulk and proceeding to pummel him within an inch of his life- never actually making contact, naturally, though Shulk responded as if she were. "Feeling some anger, there? Huh?" she shouted as she continued to beat him. "Relax, how about?! That's just pride messing with you! Feel it?! Do you feel that pride messing with you?!"

She only stopped when, abruptly, Wario called out, "You stop right there, girl!"

Lucina froze, and, as one, she and Shulk turned to see Wario, with Lucina's sword in hand, holding it directly over Lucina's neck. "You gonna stop right there."

"Drop the sword," Lucina said cautiously, but firmly. "I don't know who you are, but this is none of my business."

"You be fightin' under Wario's roof, you make it Wario's business," Wario retorted. "So, here's what we gonna be doin'..." And with that, he smacked Lucina over the head with the hilt as well- she duly crumpled to the floor next to Shulk, both unconscious. Wario chuckled as he headed over to a nearby phone. "Hey, Bowser, come on over, we gotta nuther coupla guests..."

Another black-fade, and Shulk and Lucina were both tied up to chairs, bound and gagged, under a red light. Wario sat on another chair in front of them, grinning. "Sorry, my friends, but nobody kills anybody in this building except for Wario... and Bowser."

A chime of bells up above. Wario grinned. "And that... be Bowser." He stood and headed off-stage for a second- a second that Shulk and Lucina spent exchanging terrified looks with each other.

Wario returned, with Bowser in tow. "So, these are the trouble-makers you caught, huh?" Bowser chortled. "What were they doin'?"

"Well, this one comes-a bargin' into the shop," Wario explained, indicating Lucina, "and a second later, tha otha one comes in, shoutin' for me to tell him where she was. Then she jumped him and tried to beat him to death..."

"Interesting," Bowser smirked, sitting down in the chair occupied not long ago by Wario. "So, which one of you started this little scuffle?"

Shulk and Lucina both tried to speak, but, of course, only a series of muffled grunts made their way through the gags.

Bowser laughed unpleasantly. "That's what they all say,' he smirked. "Well, I guess we'll just let the prophet have a gander, whatdya say?"

"Good idea," Wario grinned. "Oh, Waa!"

"Oh, yeah!" came the distinct voice of you-know-who. "Waluigi time!"

And so entered the tall, lanky, purple form of Waluigi. He seemed very happy to finally be getting his part- he almost danced over to where the others were sitting. "So, what-a you got for Waluigi today?"

"Seems we've got a couple of trouble-makers," Bowser grinned. "So, how's about tellin' us which one to punish first?"

"Hmmm..." Waluigi turned to examine both of them closely. "Well... dis one-a lookin' suspicious to Waluigi! You be startin' with him!"

If you couldn't tell, he was pointing to Shulk, who immediately began panicking as Bowser and Wario chortled together, grabbing the top of his chair and dragging him just off-screen. Bowser looked back just before leaving the stage. "Keep an eye on her, Wa. We'll be back soon."

"Oh, yeah, Waluigi lovin' ta be doin' that," Waluigi grinned wickedly, turning his gaze onto Lucina.

As Shulk's muffled screams echoed from off-stage, Lucina and Waluigi seemed to be having a sort of staring contest with each other. Lucina was struggling against her ropes as much as she could. Waluigi let out a cackling laugh. "You tryin' to escape? Sorry, but no one escape from ropes tied up by Waluigi's brotha! You never be seein' da light of-"

WHACK!... went the sound of Lucina's freed fist against Waluigi's sternum.

"Waluigi can't believe you be escapin'..." the tall student choked out as he collapsed to the ground. Lucina quickly stood, tossing the ropes to the side and undoing the gag around her mouth. She quickly ran to the opposite side of the stage from where Shulk had been dragged off from, but, just before leaving, turned back to where Shulk's muffled screams were still emanating from. She looked towards the other side of the stage- freedom- and back- Shulk. Freedom. Shulk. Freedom. Shulk.

"For the love of the Wave Existence!" she growled in agitation. In said agitation, the dragon necklace came free from the front of her armor. She looked down at it, seemingly in contemplation, and suddenly seemed to come to a decision. Looking around, she spotted her sword, lying on the ground several feet away. She quickly crossed the ground and grabbed it before turning back towards Shulk's side of the stage. As she moved forward, Bowser, Wario, and Shulk moved out on stage, Shulk still in that chair, bound and gagged, while Bowser sat in front of him, carrying a cell phone playing a certain song on loop, over and over again...

"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination..."

Shulk, meanwhile, was writhing and screaming as the show continued on. Wario stood behind Shulk, chortling at the misfortune going on in front of his eyes. A chortle that was abruptly cut short as Lucina snuck up behind him and rammed her sword through his chest- well, not really, but in the world of the play- ah, you get the idea by now. Wario let out a yelp, and then a grunt as Lucina pulled the sword back out, stepping in front of him as Bowser looked up in shock, and Shulk began twisting around, trying to see what had happened. Lucina stood between them all, steadily turning her sword around and casually stabbing Wario again without even looking- this time, Wario fell to the ground and didn't get up again.

With Wario down, her next move was to cut Shulk's bonds, releasing him. He immediately stood and undid the gag. Lucina turned towards Bowser. "So, how are you doing today?" she asked casually, sword raised up to the turtle's neck. "Hope I'm not making you uncomfortable or anything..."

Bowser gulped, eyes glancing towards a sword next to him- Shulk's light blue, slightly transparent blade. This gaze didn't go unnoticed by Lucina. "Oh, do you want that sword?" she asked. "Well, then, all you have to do is reach out and take it. Go on. Who's stopping you?"

The standoff persisted for a moment before Shulk stood up, stepping out from behind Lucina, and grabbing the sword himself. Glowering at Bowser, he spoke in a dead-serious tone. "Lucina... move."

Lucina stepped aside, and Shulk, eyes full of fury, raised his sword above his head, where it once again expanded to many times its usual size before he brought it down on Bowser, who let out a scream as he collapsed to the ground. Shulk was still glaring down at him as the sword returned to normal size, and he kept it pointed at Bowser for the rest of the scene.

Lucina, standing off to the side, took another moment to speak up. "So... are you okay?"

Shulk threw a quick glance at her. "Really? Do I _look_ like I'm okay?"

Lucina shook her head. "No, not really, not in particular."

"I'm not," Shulk confirmed, turning his attention back towards Bowser. "I am just about as far from 'okay' as you can get. But as bad as I am right now... it's nothing to what this turtle's about to go through. By the time me and my boys are done with him, his own mother won't be able to recognize him. You hear me, turtle? I'm going to rip you to pieces and send each piece to a different planet!"

Lucina coughed. "So... what now?"

Shulk blinked. "I just told you what now. This turtle here has just signed up for a week-long slow, agonizing death..."

Lucina coughed again. "I was thinking more... what now... between you and me?"

Shulk blinked again. "Oh. That. You and me. I'll tell you what now between you and me. There _is_ no you and me. From this moment on, you and I are complete strangers."

Lucina spoke slowly. "So... cool beans?"

"Yeah... cool beans," Shulk nodded. "Under three conditions."

"Name them."

"First off: we don't carry that 'cool beans' reference any further than we already have."

"I wasn't planning on it anyways."

"Good. Second: Nobody ever finds out about this, ever. This is between the three of us in this room, and that's going to be just two soon enough."

"And I'm one of those two, right?"

Shulk threw her an eyes-half-closed glance before continuing. "And finally... you leave Kurain. I'll give you until tomorrow to get out of here, and once you leave, you don't come back. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," Lucina nodded. She turned and began crossing the stage once again, looking back only once. As she did, Shulk slowly transferred the sword holding Bowser at bay to his left hand, leaving his right free to raise into the air, making a strange sign- his pinky, middle and ring fingers curled down, leaving his index and thumb to make a sort of L-shape in the air, though it would have been backwards from Bowser's perspective. Lucina blinked, but ultimately shrugged. As she exited through the door she'd entered to get into this mess in the first place, her eyes fell on another piece of cardboard on the ground. Smiling, she lifted it up- yet another cardboard-cutout kart- a Classic Dragster, no less. With a wide grin, she took it and headed off stage, initiating one final fade-to-black.

With the lights back on, Dark Pit was standing on the stage, looking around. "She's been gone a long time..." he muttered to nobody in particular.

No sooner had he said this than Lucina came Flinstoning in in her cardboard Dragster. "Hey, Dark!" she called out. "Come on, get in, we gotta get going!"

"What's with that car?" Dark Pit asked, blinking in surprise.

"Well, technically, it's a kart," Lucina pointed out. "No time to explain now, get in, I'll tell you the story on the road!"

"Story? What story? Did you get your necklace?"

"Yeah, I got the necklace," Lucina shook her head. "But that doesn't matter right now- get in the kart, we need to go!"

Dark Pit turned away slightly, hiding his face. "You took a while out there. I... I was starting to get worried."

"Yeah, sorry about that, I got a little side-tracked," Lucina muttered. "I'll tell you, Dark, with all the stuff that's been going on, today's a shoo-in for the weirdest day of my life. Hurry up, or you don't get to hear about it."

Moving semi-reluctantly, Dark Pit climbed into the kart alongside Lucina. Glancing at it once more, he asked, "What happened to the Exo Tank? Where'd you get this car?"

"Kart," Lucina corrected, ignoring the previous question.

"Okay, kart, then, where'd you get this kart?"

"It's Bowser's," Lucina shrugged.

"Bowser? Who's Bowser?"

"Bowser's dead, Dark. Bowser's dead." And with that, Lucina started Flinstoning once again, carrying the kart and Dark Pit off-stage just in time for the curtain to fall.

 _XXXX_

Just in case anyone was wondering, I don't really have anyone that I ship either Lucina or Dark Pit with- the pairing occurring in this story is more or less because I have a friend or two who ship it, combined with the 'Why-the-heck-not' mentality that led to the creation of stories like this to begin with. Anyways, next time, we'll go through most of the rest of the story (as in, everything except the epilogue, essentially,) in _Operation: Birdgirl._ Hope to see you guys there! In the meantime, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	5. Operation: Birdgirl

Gamer4 in. Well, this is it- this is, essentially, the last real chapter of this story- next chapter will basically be an epilogue to wrap everything up, tie up all the loose ends, all that good stuff. Wow, this story was _much_ shorter than any 'main' Mario Mario stories, but, then again, it was just a spin-off, intended just for fun. It was even going to be part of the main series, as a series of random quickies interspersed throughout _Bottle of Lightning,_ but I thought that would distract from the story too much. Ah, well. Anyways, no point in dragging this out, this is the chapter I've been looking forward to the most, so let's get to it!

Disclaimer: Hey, finally got a picture for this story! Calling in _Smash Fiction_ by FeReise on Deviantart! Who also mentioned, a few months before the idea crossed my mind, that he might do a series along the lines of this story, you know, _Pulp Fiction_ with _Smash Bros._ characters. If he did, I haven't been able to find it- just thought I should mention it. Yeah, it features Link more prominently, but this kind of _is_ his day in the limelight. Not as much as _Winter of our Discotent_ will be, but that's not for a while, and, at this point, I'm just rambling... next chapter!

Chapter IV

Operation: Birdgirl

"Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, NEIN!" the Master Hand belted out furiously as Lucina and Dark Pit exited the stage. "What made you two think that was anywhere _near_ okay?!"

"I don't know what you're angry about, sir, but whatever it was, I was 100% against it!" Dark Pit put in, raising his hands- his continued existence as a ghost was on the line, after all.

"No, not you!" the Master Hand grunted, sounding uncharacteristically angry as he brushed Dark Pit aside. "Lucina and Robin! Why did you mess up your scene together?!"

"It was Lucina's idea!" Robin quickly pointed out.

"Yeah, because the original script was just disgusting," Lucina explained her reasoning.

"But hiding the necklace in _stomachs?!"_ the Master Hand objected. "That doesn't even make any _sense!_ "

"I still like it better this way," Lucina shrugged.

The Master Hand froze, then simply muttered, "Alright, everyone who'll be in the next scene, get ready," before floating away, grumbling to himself.

"Oooookay," Mario finally spoke up. "What's the deal, Lucina? As I recall, you thought the original script was hilarious when we were rehearsing it."

"True," Lucina agreed, "but I thought something was suspicious about this whole thing from the start, and I just wanted to confirm it."

"Confirm... what?" Mario asked. "What was the point of changing up the scene if you liked it just fine to begin with?"

"I wanted to see how the Master Hand reacted," Lucina explained. "And now I know for sure- something's up here. He's not acting normal- the Master Hand _we_ know wouldn't rant at us like that for a simple scene change."

"Good, great, great detective work there," Link nodded a bit, "but now, what do you plan on _doing_ about it?"

"Well, I'm not involved in the rest of the play," Lucina pointed out, "so I'm going to go take a look around the mansion- see if I can't dig up whatever's going on. Robin, you've got a part to play yet, so keep an eye out, alright?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Robin saluted.

Lucina rolled her eyes. "Alright, everyone, good luck with the rest of the play- I'll be back ASAP."

"Good luck, Ms. Mercer!" Kirby and Meta saw her off with handshakes and tears in their eyes. "Good luck!"

This prompted yet another eyeroll as Lucina made her way out of the auditorium.

"Is it just me, or does all this feel a little... contrived?" Mario wondered out loud.

"It's just you," Link shook his head. "Come on, let's get ready- only a few more scenes until this whole gong show's over."

XXXX

When the curtain rose again, it was on much the same scene that it had closed on just before _The Link-Zelda Affair-_ Mario and Link were standing over the dead body of Meta Knight and the cowering forms of Peach and Kirby. Link was examining the briefcase, giving it his look of distaste, as Mario glared down at Kirby. However, there was a new detail- a wall had been erected separating everyone else from a room with a single person- Teddy Ellay, clutching a gun in his hand for dear life. As the aforementioned actors re-enacted the scene from earlier, Teddy was interjecting with frightened chatter to himself:

"Oh, smeg... oh, smeg... no... I don't wanna die here..."

"Link!" Mario called out in a louder voice than normal, and prompting Teddy to give an involuntary spasm. "Is that it?"

"Sure is," Link nodded, closing the case and lowering it to his side.

"Alright, then it's time to wrap things up here," Mario nodded.

Kirby gulped once more. "Sorry... I... I caught _your_ name... Link... but I don't think I caught yours-"

"The name's Mario freaking Mario, and you ain't talking your way out of this one, _poyo_ ," Mario growled.

Kirby pretended to cower as he recited his line from earlier- "Look, man, we're sorry that things got so messed up here, but we got into this whole thing with the best of intentions-"

Mario tossed a fireball to the side, hitting Meta Knight's already-dead body, but silencing Kirby nonetheless. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I distract you?" he proceeded to ask, glaring down at Kirby with all the ferocity he could muster. "I didn't mean to do that- go on. You were saying something about the best intentions, weren't you?"

Kirby simply whimpered, as Teddy gasped and clutched his gun tighter.

"Oh, you were finished!" Mario continued. "Well, then, allow me to offer my rebuttal!" He stepped forward and smashed the table separating them into the wall- Teddy shoved a knuckle into his mouth to stop himself from screaming. "WHAT DOES SHULK CLAIRVOYA LOOK LIKE?!"

"...What?"

"What country are you from?!"

"What?"

"'What!'? That's no country _I've_ ever heard of! Link, you heard of 'What'?"

Link casually shrugged as he shook his head, a slight smile crossing his face.

"Well, tell me a bit about this 'What' place!" Mario demanded. "Do they speak English there?"

"What?!"

"English, you little Winnicot, do you speak it?!"

"Yes!"

"Oh, so you _do_ know what I'm saying!"

"Yes!"

"Describe what Shulk Clairvoya looks like!"

Kirby gulped. "He- he's tall... he dresses in red... he's got blond hair..."

"Does he look like a goomba?"

Kirby recoiled from Mario's glare as he cried out, "NO!"

"Then why did you try to walk all over him like a goomba? Why'd you do that, Kirb?"

"We didn't!"

"Oh, yes you did, Kirb, you grabbed Shulk's _item_ and acted like you could just _walk away!_ "

"P-please..."

Mario sighed. "Ah, stop trembling, _ma belle peche,_ lest you make me feel like a péché myself!" And, just as before, this was the cue for Mario to bombard Kirby with fire just as Link opened fire with his crossbow- the difference was, this time, the scene didn't end.

"Oh, Wave Existence... Holy Wave Existence..." Peach muttered, trembling off to the side.

Mario smiled as he turned towards her. "Hey, you can relax now, my _true_ peche. Job's over- we're heading out soon!"

Teddy choked as he heard this line. Peach was still trembling, but accepted Mario's assistance in rising to her feet as Link joined them with the case in hand.

Teddy finally snapped, smashing down the door between the three of them, crying out, "DIE, SUCKERS!" and emptying the entire gun at them.

Mario, Link, and Peach all flinched, only to freeze when they realized they weren't dead yet. Mario and Link glanced behind them, where bullet holes peppered the walls, and then back to Teddy, holding a smoking gun, then simply raised their respective weapons- fire for Mario, crossbow for Link- and executed Teddy with extreme prejudice.

This done, the two 'hitmen' had separate priorities- Mario turned to examine the bullet holes, while Link turned, anger in his voice, on Peach- "What the heck, woman, what the heck!?" he barked. "All that other information you gave us, and it didn't cross your mind to let us know that there was a guy with a 44 _magnum_ in the freaking _bathroom?!_ "

"It- it just kind of slipped my mind!" Peach objected. "I mean, you just shot down a couple of my other friends right in front of me, I think I have the right to get a little shaken!"

"Yeah, yeah, some friends, when you told us everything we needed to know," Link grumbled. "Hey, Mario, what do you think?"

Mario, who only seemed to be half-listening, responded without even turning. "We should be dead."

"Come again?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We shouldn't even be alive after something like that," Mario elaborated, turning, drawing a line with his finger between where Teddy had been standing and the bullet holes behind them. "Follow those bullets' paths- they should have gone right through us. Right now, Peach and Teddy should be duking it out over our cold, bullet-riddled corpses. But they aren't. Why is that?"

Link blinked. "He misfired, I guess. Unfortunate on his part, but hey, it happens."

"No," Mario shook his head. "No, stuff like this doesn't 'just happen.' This... this was a miracle."

"A miracle?" Link snorted. "Listen, Mario, I've traveled far and wide across the land, before Shulk and after, and I can _easily_ tell you, miracles don't happen."

"Clearly, they do," Mario shook his head. "I mean, look at this- can you honestly tell me that this wasn't divine intervention?"

"Divine intervention?" Link repeated. "So, what... you're saying the Wave Existence came down from Pleroma above and stopped a couple of thugs from being hit by a few bullets?"

"I have a hard time believing it myself, but yes, Link," Mario confirmed, "I _am_ saying that the Wave Existence came down from Pleroma above and stopped a couple of thugs from being killed by few smegging bullets."

"Now, you see, that's where you and I are going to have to disagree," Link shook his head. Hearing footsteps above, he added, "-at a later time. Right now, we need to get going. Come on, Peach, you have anything you need to grab?"

"No, I'm good," Peach shook her hread.

"We're not going anywhere," Mario interrupted. "We just witnessed a genuine miracle here, and I _want you to acknowledge it._ "

Link, taken aback, responded with, "Okay, okay, we just witnessed a real miracle here, I'm acknowledging it! Now can we get going before we're relating this story to our inmates in Subspace?"

Mario still didn't look satisfied, but gave a curt nod, allowing the group to run off-stage, and for a dark-cut to clear the stage off so that he, Link, and Peach could return, flinstoning another car.

"Look, all I'm saying is, it really does happen!" Link was speaking, apparently continuing the debate from earlier... a few seconds ago. "I knew this guy once, an agent during the cold war, secret agent that went deep into enemy territory to find this colonel. Spends a whole week hunting this guy down, only to see him get killed by a bolt of lightning. Didn't have to do a dang thing! It's uncommon- rare, even- but things like that _do_ happen!"

"This isn't up for discussion, Link," Mario shook his head. "You can blind yourself to the truth all you freaking want, but _my_ eyes are open."

Link shook his head as he turned around to face Peach, crossbow in hand. What could go wrong? "Alright, you know what? Peach- what do _you_ think about this?"

"What do _I_ think?" Peach asked, looking alarmed at being asked her opinion on the situation.

"Yeah- come on, set this guy straight."

"Come on, guys- I don't have an opinion on this one," Peach shook her head. "Just go ahead and leave me out of this."

"Come on!" Link objected. "Do _you_ think the Wave Existence would really come down and-"

* _Crack!_ * ... Went the sound of the crossbow, launching an arrow directly through Peach's skull.

Mario jumped about a mile in the air, while Link simply shook his head. "Well, crud..."

"WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT?!" Mario shot off.

"I... I just shot Peach in the face..."

"THE _HELL_ DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!"

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Link objected.

Mario closed his eyes tightly, cracking one open just wide enough to look through the rear-view mirror into the backseat, where Peach was laying low, throwing a bunch of fake blood up . "SMEG! This is bad... we could get pulled over at any _second_!"

Finally seeming to get the 'this-is-bad' message, Link spoke up. "Where's the nearest house friendly to Shulk?"

Mario raised his hand, biting on a nail- through his glove. "Crud... I'm gonna have to make a call." Not even looking at the road anymore (then again, flinstoning accidents tend to be pretty rare,) he pulled out a cell phone and dialed. "Hey, Lu, this is Mario! Look, we are in some dire straits right now- no, no, we don't have industrial disease. We- we need a place to lay low for a bit, alright? Uh-huh- mm-hmm- got it. Thanks, man, we'll be there in a few minutes."

"Who was that?" Link asked, fright in his eyes as Mario hung up.

"Friend of mine who lives not that far away- we have to hurry, though- can't have anyone seeing the back of this car..."

And, as they hurtled towards the edge of the stage, another dark-transition occurred.

XXXX

When Mario and Link re-entered the scene, only a small portion of the stage- the one occupied by those two themselves- was actually lit. It appeared to be a bathroom of sorts, and Mario was in the middle of washing his hands. "I'm telling you, Link, we need to play our cards carefully here. One wrong move, and this whole thing could blow up in our faces."

"What's the deal?" Link asked, his eyebrows raised. "Isn't this guy a friend of yours?"

"Of course he is- he left the life, but we'd been through thick and thin together before his time came. Lucky, too, or he'd have turned us away without a second thought."

Link's eyes narrowed. "This guy isn't gonna have an attitude with us, is he?"

"He might," Mario shrugged. "But given the circumstances, don't you think he kind of has the right to 'get an attitude with us'?" As he spoke, Mario finished washing his hands of Peach's blood and began drying off his hands. "I mean, think about it- we woke him up early, and the first thing he hears is that we've got a dead body in the backseat that we need help getting rid of, and we're dragging him into this whole gong show, too?"

Link shook his head as he put his own hands in the water. "All I'm saying is, I have my limits, Mario, and if this guy pushes me past them, I'm out of here. That's all _I'm_ saying."

Mario shook his head. Link, meanwhile, turned the water off and reached out for a towel, beginning to dry his hands. Mario, seeing this, panicked. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the heck are you doing?"

"...Drying my hands?"

Mario angrily wrenched the towel from Link's hands and examined it. "Are you kidding me? This is _exactly_ the kind of thing that'll get us in trouble with Lu!"

"What are you talking about? You just watched me wash my hands!"

"I watched you wet them up a bit," Mario objected. "Look, we need to handle this professionally, with as _little blood_ left behind as possible!"

"The soap's not that effective!" Link went on the defensive.

"Don't dink around with me," Mario shook his head, brandishing the towel at Link angrily. " _I_ used that same soap, and when I was done, the towel didn't look like I was using it for flipping open-heart surgery!"

"Okay, okay!" Link raised his hands. "I'll re-wash my hands, happy?"

"Distantly," Mario muttered, but raised no further objections as Link re-washed his hands, much more thoroughly this time, and handed the towel over without complaint.

After finishing up, the two of them turned and headed to another portion of the stage, which lit up to accommodate them- and to reveal Luigi standing there with three cans of soda. As Mario and Link entered, Luigi muttered a quick, "Here you go," as he handed the beverages over.

Link examined his soda dubiously before drinking it- Mario, on the other hand, nervously took a large gulp. Swallowing, he put on an unnecessarily large smile and began to speak. He had to feel sorry for Luigi- the poor guy had been so nervous before going on stage- he couldn't imagine how scared-sounding his performance would come across. Nevertheless, he proceeded with his lines. "Dang, Lu, this is some great stuff you brought out for us! Link and I, we'd have been just fine with some water, but you come in and bring out this Mountain Dew for us!"

"Can it, Mario," Luigi shot back, and Mario blinked- far from looking even _remotely_ nervous, Luigi looked _just_ as annoyed, verging on angry, as he was supposed to. "I _know_ how good my soda is, alright? That's why I buy it myself- whenever the Birdgirl picks up the soda, it's always Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke, Diet this, Diet that. When _I_ get the soda, I get the good stuff. But believe it or not, Mario, there's something a little more pressing on my mind right now than the soda in my kitchen. Why don't you ask me what it is?"

Mario hung his head. "What's on your mind, Lu?"

"Well, _what's on my mind,_ Mario, is the dead chick I've got in my living room." Luigi spoke very coldly- despite his terrified repetitions of the line earlier, he was suddenly beyond spot-on. "Tell me, Mario, when you were pulling into my driveway, did you see the sign out front that said _Dead Chick storage?_ "

"Lu-" Mario spoke up, attempting a soothing voice, but Luigi wasn't having it.

" _Did you see the sign?"_

Mario's head returned to hanging. "No, Lu, I didn't see the sign."

"Ask me why you didn't see the sign."

"W-why didn't I see the sign?"

"BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE, BECAUSE STORING DEAD CHICKS AIN'T MY FREAKING BUSINESS, THAT'S WHY!" Luigi burst out, causing Mario to cringe and Link to scowl. Luigi closed his eyes and raised his hands in a 'just-a-second-I'm-calming-myself' way. When he spoke again, he definitely sounded calmer. "Look, Mario, you're like a brother to me, you know that. But I'm out- there's a reason I left Shulk. I have a life, now! A fiancee, even!"

"Fiancee!" Mario repeated, smiling. "So, you finally popped the question, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah, I finally asked the Birdgirl to marry me, and she agreed," Luigi waved his congratulations aside. "I appreciate the congratulations, but I'll tell you what I _don't_ appreciate- when people drag dead bodies into my living room when the Birdgirl is less than an hour away from home! Can you imagine how she'd react to coming home and seeing some other girl with an arrow in her head laying in the living room?"

"Not very well, I'd imagine," Mario shook his head.

"Still, better than an arrow to the knee," Link interjected.

Both Mario and Luigi glared at him for a second, before Luigi turned his attention back to Mario. "Look, I want to help you, I really do, but I just want to know that this isn't going to ruin my marriage before it even begins!"

"In that case," Mario decided, downing the last of his soda, "I'll need to make a call."

Mario stepped away from the others and pulled out his cell phone. Another area of the stage lit up, revealing Shulk in the same chair from his very first scene, leaning back and talking with a smile on his face. "Hey, is that Mario? How's it going, my man?" A very awkward sentence with his accent.

"Well, we got the case," Mario started.

"Glad to hear it! But aren't you supposed to be back by now?"

"We were planning on it," Mario muttered darkly, "but we ran into... a delay."

"Delay? What kind of delay?" A note of concern entered Shulk's voice.

"Link accidentally killed our informant and got her brains all over the back of the car. We're hiding out at Luigi's, but his fiancee's about to come home, so... you could say we're in some dire straits."

"You mean, you have industrial disease?" Shulk smirked.

"No, I do not mean we have freaking industrial disease!" Mario burst. "Look, Shulk, all due respect, I don't think you really appreciate the gravity of this whole situation! We've got less than an hour before the Birdgirl walks in through that door and sees her fiancee getting caught up in all this smeg- it could ruin his marriage before it even begins!"

"That does sound grave," Shulk nodded, "but I'm a little confused as to what you want to hear me say?"

Mario sighed. "Well, a good way to start would be, 'Don't worry about it, Mario, my main man! You just lean back, relax, and await the cavalry, who should be arriving shortly!'"

Shulk grinned. "Don't worry about it, Mario, my main man. You just lean back, relax, and await the Robin, who should be arriving shortly."

Mario did a double take. "You- you're sending the Robin?"

Shulk, smiling, made a grunt of agreement. Mario almost broke into relieved laughter. "Well, why didn't you say so to begin with? I'll let Lu know!" As he hung up, his part of the stage darkened, leaving Shulk's lit as he redialed and lit up another portion of the stage, where Robin, in female form this time, was leaning back on a bed. Picking up her phone, she spoke.

"Hello, yello!" she sounded off cheerfully.

"Hey, Robin," Shulk spoke.

"Uh-oh, I know that voice," Robin smiled. "What's gone wrong now?"

"A couple of my boys have run into some problems- accidentally executed an informant in the back of their car. They're laying low at a friend's house right now, but his fiancee will be getting back shortly, so they really need someone to stop by and bale them out."

"Roger that," Robin nodded, producing a pad of paper and a pen. "You direct me, I follow. Now, who are all these boys?"

XXXX

Another dark-transition later, and Robin was making her way onto a stage featuring Mario, Link, and Luigi. Luigi was the first to greet her, eagerly shaking her hand as she entered. "Hello, Mr... Luigi, I believe?" Robin spoke politely, smiling as she greeted him. "Nice house you've got here- mind if I come in?"

"Not at all, ma'am!" Luigi nodded, allowing her in.

Robin stepped in and cast her eyes onto Mario and Link. "Ah, and you two must be Mario Mario and Link Faron, correct?"

"Yep, that's us," Mario smiled, stepping forward.

"Very nice to meet you both," Robin smiled as she shook both their hands. "I'm the Robin, I... well, I solve problems. So, let's get right to business- take me to the car."

"Right away," Mario nodded, and led the troop to the portion of the stage occupied by the car-prop, Peach laying motionless and covered in fake blood in the back.

Robin examined the car closely. "Hmmm... I've seen worse. Luigi, you have some soda?"

"Yeah, I've got plenty. What's your favorite?"

"Some Code Red, if you don't mind," Robin smirked. "Certainly matches the circumstances. Gentlemen, let us reconvene in the kitchen!"

As they met back up in said location, Robin accepted some soda from Luigi. She took a gulp, and smiled, flashing Luigi a thumbs-up. Turning her attention back to Mario and Link, she began speaking quickly. "Alright, here's what we're going to do- I have some business to take care of with Mr. Luigi, as well as a few calls to make. I've been led to believe that Mr. Luigi's significant other is on her way home, and wouldn't be too prone to finding out about her fiancee's 'old activities,' is that right?"

"Yeah... yeah, that's right," Luigi nodded.

"Okay, then while I'm dealing with those things, you two-" Robin indicated Mario and Link- "will clean out the car. Don't get too meticulous, alright? It doesn't have to be absolutely spick-and-span, we're not going to be having a feast in there. Just get the body and as many bits of her as you can find into the trunk. Mop up the pools of blood, wipe off the windows- don't get too thorough, just make sure it's not too noticeable either. Anything you miss, we can cover up with some blankets- oh, assuming that's alright with you?" She directed this at Luigi, who quickly nodded. "Good man. Now, there are a couple things we'll need to take care of after that, but for now, let's take one thing at a time. Operation Birdgirl has officially begun, so come on, people, let's move!"

She clapped her hands, causing an already-scowling Link to cringe. "You know, there _is_ such a word as please."

Mario, who'd already been heading towards the car, closed his eyes and looked on the verge of facepalming as he turned around. Robin froze, and slowly turned to look at him. "Excuse me?"

"I'm just saying," Link said, though he looked much less confident than a second ago, "a little 'please' would be nice."

Robin shook her head, but when she spoke, she sounded very calm. "Look, Link, I didn't come here on my own- you called me, because you needed my help. If you don't appreciate my help, I am very much ready to just jump in my car and drive off again."

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary-" Mario and Luigi both quickly interjected, but Robin raised her hand for silence, which quickly fell.

"Now, I realize that I may be coming across as curt- cold, even. But that is because time truly _is_ the keyword here today. We take too long here, and we screw over everybody involved. So, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top- clean out the smegging car?" The whole time she was speaking, she didn't change from the polite, calm tone of voice she'd been using from the beginning, but it was enough to intimidate Link, who quickly nodded, turned, and rushed off. Mario took the time to shake his head one last time before turning and heading off after him. Robin, meanwhile, turned to Luigi, who flinched. "Well... let's do business, shall we?"

XXXX

"Nice one, Link, freaking nice one," Mario muttered as he and Link moved around the car, making motions as if they were cleaning it out. Mario was in the back, Link in the front, wiping the windows. "We're up smeg creek without a paddle, someone comes along and offers us one, and you try to push her away!"

"Look, Mario, I'm really on the edge, here, and that is not a good place to put me!"

" _You're_ on edge?!" Mario repeated. " _You're on edge?!_ "

"Yeah, I'm getting fired up- Natsu Dragneel's got nothing on me right now!"

Mario threw down whatever he had in his hands at that second. "Oh, so you've got a fire in your belly, huh? Well, _I'm_ like an atomic frakking bomb! Every time my hands brush up against bits of Peach's skull that _you_ put here, I'm ready to wipe out this whole freaking city!"

"Now, now, Mario," Link interjected, "To err is human, to forgive, divine!"

"Yeah, yeah, and whoever said that never had to pick up someone's brain because their partner in green happened to be a freaking _moron!_ " Mario grumbled. Coming to a realization, he added, "For that matter, what am I even doing back here, picking up the brains? This is _your_ fault, you should be on skull patrol! Get back here, we're switching- you pick this smeg up, _I'll_ wipe the windows off!"

As Mario jumped out of the car and began forcing Link towards the back, the spotlight shifted from them to Robin and Luigi talking together on a bed. "The thing is, Ms. Robin, ma'am," Luigi was saying, sounding more like himself than at any point before.

Robin cut him off. "Oh, please, just 'Robin' will do fine."

"Okay... Robin..." he still sounded nervous, but continued. "These are some very nice blankets- the Birdgirl got them from her father over in Alcamoth, so to just... get rid of them like this..."

"Mr. Luigi," Robin smiled, "was the Birdgirl's father... particularly wealthy?"

"Well, not _super_ wealthy," Luigi shook his head, "but it's still a great deal of... of sentimental value, you know, so-"

"Well, your Uncle Clairvoya _is_ particularly wealthy," Robin interrupted, "and I'm sure he's willing to reimburse you for your lost blankets and then some, okay?"

Luigi gave a weak smile, but nodded nonetheless.

Robin smiled. "Again, good man. Now, I've got a call or two to make, then we'll head out and see how those two are doing..."

XXXX

Another dark-transition, and all four stood in front of the car. Robin smiled. "That looks pretty decent. What do you think, Lu? You think they did a good job?"

"I can't even tell it's the same car," Luigi conceded.

"Yup, well done," Robin nodded. "Though- maybe it's a little early for congratulations. We've got a couple jobs left yet. Namely- getting you two out of those clothes."

"Huh?" Mario and Link grunted in unison, looking nervous.

"Come on, out to the yard!" Robin smirked, shooing them out the 'door.' "Alright, boys! Strip!"

"Strip?" Link asked.

"Every piece of clothing, off!" Robin nodded. "Luigi, bag 'em and burn 'em when we leave, alright?"

"Roger that," Luigi smirked as Mario and Link reluctantly began declothing themselves- though, for the purposes of the play, they didn't _quite_ go all the way.

"Alright, now what?" Link grumbled.

"I assume you're familiar with prison showers," Robin smirked as she produced a hose.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Link objected, holding up his hands. "Is that really necessary?"

Smirking at the fake blood still smeared on them, Robin asked, "You know what you two look like?"

"No, what?" Mario reluctantly asked.

"A couple of guys that just shot somebody through the face with a crossbow and cleaned out the car afterwards. But hey!" she added, her smirk growing wider. "Don't worry! This is going to hurt you much more than it's gonna hurt me!"

With that, she unleashed water upon them. No mercy this time, she bombarded them with the hose until they were both chilled to the bone. As soon as the water stopped, Mario increased his body temperature to dry off faster, and Link drew close to him for a bit of that blessed warmth.

"Well, that should do the trick," Robin nodded. "Lu, you have some clothes for these fine gentlemen?"

"I do indeed," Luigi nodded, producing some of his own garments.

"Well, hurry and dress up, you two!" Robin ordered cheerfully. "After this, we're getting rid of the car. I managed to get a hold of a scrapyard owner sympathetic to our cause. So, get dressed, and let's conclude this operation, shall we?"

Mario and Link looked very awkward as they pulled on the clothing- on the one hand, it actually looked pretty close to Mario's clothes, but it was still jarring to see him in green instead of his traditional red, and the clothes were much too tall for him. They fit Link better, but seeing him in overalls and such was even more jarring than Mario in green.

"So, what do you think?" Robin asked, barely containing her chuckles.

"They look like a couple of idiots!" Luigi gasped, almost bent double laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yuck it up, they're _your_ clothes, winnicot," Mario muttered.

Robin was still chuckling lightly as she led the group way and towards two car-props off to the side- one that Mario and Link had 'cleaned,' and the other brought in by Robin. "Alright, splitting up a tad," Robin explained. "Mario, you're with me, we're going to lead Link here to the scrapyard. Link..." looking very reluctant, Robin handed over her keys. "One scratch on that car, and they'll be getting rid of two dead bodies, clear?"

"Crystal," Link muttered.

"Good," Robin nodded. "Now, Mr. Luigi, I'll come back a little later at a... well, _convenient_ time to deliver Shulk's practical expression of gratitude. In the meantime, thank you _for_ your time." She smiled as she shook Luigi's hand once more.

"Oh, believe me, the pleasure's all mine," Luigi smiled.

The next dark-transition took Robin, Mario, and Luigi to another side of the stage, painted to resemble a scrapyard of sorts. Robin and Mario 'got out' of their car and tossed it off-stage. "Good by, Peach, and good-bye, problem," Robin smiled.

"Thank you, Robin," Mario smiled, shaking her hand again. "It's- it's been an honor working with you."

"Hey, just doing my job," Robin smiled. As Link walked up, she addressed them both. "So, you two will be heading to the rendevous point to finally get that case back to Mr. Clairvoya, I'd imagine?"

"Of course," Mario nodded, clutching the case tight. "I said I'd get that case back to him, and heck if I'm going to fail on my last mission."

"Last mission, hm?" Robin raised an eyebrow, ignorant of Link's incredulous glance at his partner. "Well, glad I could help it go a little smoother. Where is the rendevous point, incidentally? I could give you a ride?"

"Oh, it's over at the south end of Kurain," Mario recalled.

Robin did a double take. "South end of Kurain?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Wow, that was abrupt!" Robin exclaimed, eyes widening. "I'm seeing something- it's in your future- it's... a cab ride!"

Mario smiled and shook his head. "Well, thanks for working with us anyways."

"No trouble," Robin smirked as she headed back to her car. "Stay frosty!"

Mario and Link watched as she flinstoned off. Link sighed. "Well... that was... interesting."

"'Interesting' isn't how I'd put it," Mario muttered. "Anyways, I'm getting pretty hungry here. You hungry?"

"Starving," Link nodded fervently.

"Well, you know what?" Mario suggested. "Shulk's been waiting for this case for so long... what's another hour or so? I know this place not far from the rendevous point- they've got great pancakes. What do you think?"

"I think, after this morning, some pancakes sounds phenomenal," Link nodded, a slight smile crossing his face.

"Alright, then, let's get going!" Mario grinned, and, as the two jogged off-stage, the curtain fell once more.

XXXX

Lucina was walking carefully through the darkness of the Smash Mansion. "Wonder how that play's going," she wondered out loud. "I'm sure Robin's doing fine, but that poor Luigi kid looked like he was about to have a heart attack..."

Her introspection was cut off when she heard a groaning sound coming from a nearby room. "Hm? What's that?" she wondered out loud. Tracking down the specific door, she grabbed the knob, turned, and let out a yelp at what she saw within. "Wait, what the _crap?!_ "

 _XXXX_

Yay for tacked-on cliffhangers! In all seriousness, this story is just about done! One more chapter to wrap everything up, and I'll be back to writing just _Bottle of Lightning_! Well, I _say_ 'just' _Bottle of Lightning,_ but... mm-hmmm. Anyways, props to anyone who can guess who the titular 'Bird-girl' is! Your reward shalt be... realizing who I'm casting as Luna Lovegood several months early. For those of you who follow the Mario Mario series past just this story, that is. Anyways, enough shameless self-promotion, let's tie things up here so the next chapter can wrap things up for good! Until next time, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	6. The Kurain Exchange

Gamer4 in. Well, time to wrap this story up. Pretty short, yeah, but I had fun- I hope you guys did, too. If you didn't, well, you'll be very happy about this chapter, because it's the last! It feels like I should say more here, but I honestly have nothing. Let's just go ahead and see how long this allegedly short wrap-up session will be. See you on the other side!

Disclaimer: It takes too long to type these things out, it's not even worth the effort.

Chapter V

The Kurain Exchange

and

Closing

"One last scene... one last scene... one last scene..." Link muttered repeatedly as he rubbed his eyes. "One last freaking scene..."

"About time Lucas and I got to step up again!" Maya gave her characteristic 'hold-hands-together-and-nod' smile. "Right, Lucas?"

"Right... awesome..." Lucas muttered, nerves clear in his voice.

Everyone turned around as a door to the backstage area opened, and Lucina stepped in. "So, what'd you find out?" Mario asked.

"What did I find?" Lucina repeated. "How about the Master Hand chained up to a chair in one of the unused classrooms? How's _that_ for a find?"

"What?" everyone else chorused.

"Yeah- he's been there for a couple weeks, apparently."

"But we just saw him!" Link pointed out. "He was _just_ chastising you for disobeying the script!"

"Apparently, that wasn't him- I let him out, and the real Master Hand is tracking down the fake one as we speak."

"So, what do we do about the play?" Lucas asked. "Do we just abandon it now?"

"No, let's not do that," Lucina shook her head. "Mido's still standing by, ready to salt and burn Dark Pit's bones if we don't finish this."

"Crap!" Dark Pit cursed as he realized this.

"Yeah, he hasn't gotten the message yet," Lucina muttered. "So, I think we should just wrap the play up, and hopefully, the Master Hand will catch this poser while we're at it, and we can all go home happy. Alright?"

Link smiled. "You know what? Sure, whatever. What's just one more scene? Let's do this thing!"

"You're keeping the play going... for me?" Dark Pit asked, surprise in his voice. "Even though I'm from Sierra? Is this what you guys call... friendship?"

"We're _not_ turning this into an episode of Yugioh, got it?" Mario interrupted, shaking his head and waving a finger around. "Come on, Link, let's go wrap this up before we have to do that thing where we put our hands together- I'm _not_ into that."

Link shrugged, and together, he, Mario, Maya, and Lucas all headed back onto the stage just in time for the curtain to rise.

XXXX

As the curtain rose, Mario and Link were sitting at a table in a restaurant of some sort. The spotlight was on them, and the rest of the stage was dark. Kirby crossed in front of them briefly, taking their orders, then left again. Once he was gone, Mario and Link began talking to each other.

"Look, I'm just saying that I'm impressed with her," Mario kicked the conversation off. "There we are, freaking out of our minds, and she just swaggers in, cool as a cucumber, and ties everything up in a neat bow."

"I didn't particularly care for her," Link responded.

"Like her or not, you have to admit, she was one cool customer," Mario countered.

"I don't have to admit anything," Link shook his head. Further conversation was cut off as Kirby returned with some food. "Ah, thank you!" He grinned as he began to dig in, while Mario sat there, staring at his food- a muffin.

"What, not hungry?" Link raised his eyebrows when he noticed. "I mean, come on, you're the one who suggested this place to begin with. What, forget to ask for bacon or something?"

"Nah, I'm good," Mario shook his head, finally taking a bite. "Just thinking, you know, about life, the universe, everything."

"42, 42, 42," Link smiled. "That's the answer, isn't it?"

"But what good is an answer without the question?" Mario smiled back. "Maybe they'll finally work it out one day, huh?"

Link laughed quietly as he shook his head. "Is this what we've stooped to? We have to make stupid references like that just to have a bit of conversation over breakfast?"

"Still a better conversation-starter than 'which end of a chocolate cornet do you eat first?'" Mario pointed out, chuckling at that particular memory. "Don't know what I was thinking when I said that."

"I just figured you were having a marathon of Lucky Star last night or something," Link chortled. "I mean, I knew you were into all that anime stuff, so..." he paused for a moment. "Nice to see you smile again."

"Has it really been that long since I've smiled?" Mario raised those eyebrows.

"I don't know, you've been acting weird all morning, man," Link shook his head.

"I would have thought that that whole fiasco with Peach gave me the right to be a tad on edge," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, fair enough," Link nodded, "but it's more than that. Ever since that... that freak occurrence with Peach's friends, you've been-"

"Your freak occurrence, Link, was my miracle," Mario cut him off. "We should be dead now- my whole life after that _is_ a miracle. I'm sure the Wave Existence had its own reasons..."

"Or the Wave Existence, assuming it even smegging _exists,_ had nothing to do with it," Link countered. "There are plenty of other explanations for what happened back there without bringing divine intervention into it, is all I'm saying. I mean, think about it, if it _were_ the Wave Existence, don't you think it could have done something a little more impressive than just stopping a few bullets?"

"What would have convinced you, Link? I'm curious," Mario rested his chin on his hands. "If there was a blinding flash of light, and the bullets turned into partridges in freaking pear trees?"

"That would have been a start," Link nodded.

"Then you've got it all wrong," Mario chided. "This isn't about _how_ the bullets got stopped. It doesn't matter if they were turned into birds, stopped and just fell to the floor, got curved around us- even if the gun wasn't real to begin with, if Teddy grabbed a fake by accident somehow, or it was loaded with blanks- even something as mundane as that can be a miracle. The point is whether the Wave Existence got involved, made it happen, and that's what I sensed back there. I'm certain of it- somehow, for some reason, the Wave Existence got involved."

Link laughed as he shook his head. "And he saved a couple of street thugs because... why?"

"I don't know," Mario shrugged. "But that's what I intend to find out."

"So you were serious?" Link asked. "About... leaving the life."

"More serious than I've ever been in my life," Mario agreed. "I'm going to take this case back to Shulk, finish my last job, and with it, I'll hand in my resignation."

"And after that?" Link prompted.

"Well, that's what I've been thinking," Mario leaned back, raising a hand to his chin. "I think that I'll start... you know... walking the earth."

"Walking... the earth," Link repeated in a deadpan voice.

"Yup," Mario nodded. "Head from place to place, meeting new people, maybe have an adventure here and there... saving people, hunting things... all that good stuff."

"So, some weird combination of Doctor Who and Supernatural, hmm?" Link asked. "And the whole time, just _hoping_ that the Wave Existence will send some sign to clear things up and let you know what it wants you to do?"

"That's the basic idea, yeah," Mario nodded.

"And if that never happens?"

"Then it never happens," Mario shrugged.

"I don't believe this," Link muttered, leaning back and covering his face with his hands.

"Hey, you're the one who brought it up," Mario pointed out. "If you don't like the conversation, don't perpetuate it."

As Link stared at him, the rest of the stage lit up, revealing Maya and Lucas talking with each other on the other side of the stage. Maya turned around and called out, "Oh, waiter, can we get some soda over here?"

Kirby bustled out and handed her a glass. "Here you go, guys!" he spoke cheerfully. "If you need anything else, feel free to let me know, a'ight?"

"Sure thing," Maya smiled and nodded.

Back at Mario's end, Link finally spoke again. "So, when did you decide all this... when you were eating that muffin?"

"Mm-hmm."

"And you don't think that might be a bit... hasty?"

"What did I just say?"

Link opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before standing. "I need to hit the bathroom. We _will_ continue this conversation, got it?"

"I'll be waiting with bated breath," Mario muttered sarcastically as Link headed offstage. For a while, he simply gazed around the stage, mimicking his character looking around the restaurant.

And then all hell broke loose.

XXXX

Maya and Lucas sprung to their feet. Maya began the shouting with, "Alright, everyone, stand down! This is a robbery! Tell us the truth about what you got, we'll only take a tenth! Lie to us, and we'll take everything!"

Lucas, meanwhile, panicked once more, crying at the top of his lungs, "EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, _NOW!_ ANYONE STAND UP, AND I'LL FREAKING KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!"

Just as this was going on, the door to backstage opened, and two giant hands stormed in, wrestling with each other. An all-out brawl started up off-stage, as all the actors instinctively dove in to help the Master Hand, but that was confused, of course, because nobody could tell which was real and which was the fake.

The brawl made its way out onto the main stage, where Maya and Lucas were stuck trying to play it off- they began grabbing people and pretending to assault them, demanding that they drop their money into the bag they'd brought out.

"Dang it guys, not now!" Lucina grumbled as she was accosted.

"Money in the bag before your brains coat my stick!" Lucas threatened, banging said stick against the ground for emphasis. Lucina sighed, produced a small bag of change she happened to have on her at the time, and dropped it in.

Shulk, meanwhile, was jumping between the two hands, trying to determine which was which. Bowser and his crew, chortling evilly, were attacking both indiscriminately. A few of the smashers began fighting _each other,_ Waluigi was simply panicking in the middle of it all, and Mario, as stated in the script, was sitting stock-still at his table at the far end of the stage, watching the chaos going on without interfering. Slowly, he reached for his hat and slipped it onto his head, and, in turn, tried to push the 'Shulk's' case into a more discreet spot.

Maya and Lucas jumped on Kirby and began shouting him down. "So you think you're a hero, huh? You think you gonna stop us?" Maya shouted, clearly enjoying the opportunity to go 'gangsta.'

"No! No, I'm no hero, just a waiter!" Kirby cried as Meta came flying by, slamming into the far wall.

Link pulled out his clawshot and fired it at the hands, seizing them and using the mechanism to pull them, and the bulk of the fighting, back off-stage. Furiously, he glanced between the hands, then lashed out at one with his sword. The glove open, out fell... _not_ a hand.

"I don't smegging believe it," Link growled angrily. "And yet, suddenly, it all makes sense..."

Meanwhile, as the fighting on stage began to die down, several of the erstwhile actors simply laying down to catch their breath, Lucas began stalking among them, brandishing his big stick, and most certainly _not_ speaking softly. Maya, on the other hand, was approaching Mario. "Money in the bag," she demanded. Mario slowly raised up his prop money sack and dropped it into Maya's bag. Maya cast her eyes around, and noticed the case. "And what're you trying to hide?"

"I'm not hiding anything," Mario shrugged innocently.

"Then show me."

Mario sighed, and slowly raised up the case, placing it on the table. Maya smiled. "And what's in there?"

"My boss's dirty gym shorts," Mario snarked.

"You really want to be getting smart with me right now?" Maya shot back. "You think I'm playing with you?"

"Come on, man," Kirby groaned from the floor. "Just shut up and give her what she wants, don't try to be a hero-"

"Shut the smeg up, fat boy, this is none of your business!" Mario shouted. Lowering his voice back to normal, he spoke very politely to Maya. "Now, you were saying?"

"Open the case," Maya commanded.

Mario hesitated a moment, then slowly snapped the case open, revealing its contents just for Maya to see. Lucas cast his eyes over and slowly approached. "What is it?" he asked curiously.

Maya's jaw, meanwhile, dropped to the ground. "Is- is that... is that what I think it is?"

Mario smiled slightly and slowly nodded. Lucas's interest grew. "What is it?"

Maya turned around to him and grinned. "Lucas, we are retiring after this! This guy has the-"

Before she could finish the sentence, however, Mario leapt up, grabbed her wrist, and forced her into the chair across from his. She sat down with a quick yelp of surprise, and, in the next second, Mario sat back down in his seat, slammed the case shut, and summoned a fireball to aim in Maya's direction.

Lucas panicked, rushing forward and waving his stick around. "Stop it! Put that fire out and let her go, or I swear to the Wave Existence I'll obliterate this whole place!"

"Relax, there, blondie," Mario raised his voice to be heard, but aside from that, actually sounded very calm. "I'm not going to kill her, I just want to have a little discussion with top knot over here."

"'Top knot?'" Maya repeated indignantly.

"Sorry, but I don't have anything better to call you," Mario shrugged. "What about blondie, over there? He seems to be pretty panicked, maybe he'll calm down if I call him by his name, which is..."

"Lucas," Maya choked out, eyes on the fire that was threatening to immolate her.

"Lucas," Mario nodded. "Well, Lucas, don't worry, we're just going to conduct a little transaction here, alright?"

"Not alright!" Lucas shouted. "Not alright! Let her go, man, let her go!"

Mario slammed his free hand down on the case, causing both Maya and Lucas to start. "Now, the first thing you want to do, Top Knot, Lucas, is to _calm down._ You start shouting at me, I start getting nervous. I get nervous, my hand may just... _slip_." As he spoke, the fire briefly grew in magnitude, only to shrink back down once he'd made his point. "Now, _I_ don't want that, I don't think you want that either, Lucas, and Top Knot here sure as _smeg_ doesn't want that. So, here's what we're going to do- we're going to conduct this little transaction, and we're going to be cool as we do it. You two ever watch Fairy Tail?"

"A... a bit," Maya choked out, as Lucas nodded.

"So, you guys know Gray Fullbuster, right?" A couple of nods. "So, what's Gray Fullbuster like?" Silence. "Come _on,_ Lucas, what's Gray Fullbuster like?"

"C-cool," Lucas stuttered.

"That's right, cool. We're going to have a little conversation here, and we're going to be like Gray Fullbuster- calm, collected, and, above all, cool. You can be cool, right?" Nods. "Good. Everything's gonna be alright. Tell him, Top Knot."

Maya opened and closed her mouth, but finally forced out, "It's going to be okay, Lucas. It's going to be okay."

Lucas nodded nervously, and Mario nodded as well. "That's right. Don't worry about a thing- every little thing is gonna be alright."

XXXX

"I should have _known_ that _you_ were behind this," Link growled at the young man who'd just spilled out of the second glove. "This whole thing has your name all over it."

"Sorry!" the young man surrendered just about immediately, getting down on his hands and knees. He was very strange-looking, dressed in basketball shorts, sandals, a T-Shirt, and an overlarge black coat. Just to wrap the nerd stereotypes up, he wore a pair of round glasses on his face, dirty and spotted. "I'm sorry, I just thought this would be cool-"

"So you knock the Master Hand out and threaten us all with expulsion if we don't play your little game?" Link growled, keeping his sword on him. "This is low even by _your_ standards... Gamer4."

Gamer4 gulped as the blade came uncomfortably close to his throat. "I... I... I..."

"Let him go, Link," came the Master Hand's voice, bringing Link's attention to the old hand, pulling himself up.

"But, sir!" Link objected. "This guy... what he's done is..."

"I know," the Master Hand agreed. "But still, you have a play to finish- isn't your part just about up?"

Link glanced out, and gave a small nod. "But still..."

"Go," the Master Hand ordered. "And go in peace."

"Thank you, Mr. Hand, sir, thank you!" Gamer4 kowtowed.

"You, I'm not finished with," the Master Hand shook himself. "Link, don't worry- I'll take care of him while you're busy."

Gamer4 gulped, and Link smirked slightly as he turned and headed out onto the stage.

XXXX

"Now, here's the deal," Mario continued, leaning back but keeping his fire aimed at Maya to let her know that he still meant business. "If this were any other day, you and Lucas over there would already be burning corpses on the floor. But this isn't any other day. You happened to catch me while I'm going through a... _renewal,_ of sorts, and, as it happens, I don't _want_ to kill you- I want to help you two. So, here's what's going to happen-"

"WHAT- THE _HELL-_ IS THIS?!" came Link's shout from off-stage as he jumped out, crossbow at the ready and aiming at Lucas's head. "Can't I even go to the bathroom without-"

"No, Link, calm down!" Mario called out.

"IT'S A TRICK! HE WAS JUST TRYING TO DISTRACT US WHILE HIS FRIEND CAME IN FOR THE KILL!" Lucas wailed.

"No, no, calm down, Lucas!" Mario raised his voice. "And you, too, Link! This is _not_ going to turn into a Mexican standoff! We're talking things _over_ here, we're _all_ going to walk away alive, _got that, Link?!_ "

Link glanced over at Mario, and slowly nodded, but didn't lower his crossbow either.

"Good," Mario said. "We're still cool, here, right, Top Knot?"

Maya nodded, eyes still fixed on the fire.

"Tell Lucas we're still good. Tell him it's going to be alright."

"We're still cool, Lucas, everything's going to be okay!" Maya called out.

Lucas nodded, but still looked as though he were on the verge of tears. This particular heist was going terribly, terribly wrong.

Mario reached for his drink, and took a long gulp, never taking his eyes off of Maya. Finally, he spoke again. "So, here's the thing- I _can't_ give you what's in this case, because it's not mine to give. It belongs to a colleague. So, here's what I _can_ do for you- reach into the bag."

Maya blinked. "What... what am I going in for?"

"Pull out my money bag."

Slowly, keeping her eyes on the fire, Maya reached into the bag and felt around in it. "Which one's yours?"

"It'll be the one with _Size Matters_ stitched into the side," Mario smirked, but quickly returned to his serious expression.

Maya took her eyes off of him briefly, just long enough to locate his bag, and produce it. Moving slowly, she laid it on the table and pushed it over to him.

Mario gave a very light chuckle. "Open it up."

Maya, looking confused about where this was going, did so. "Count out the money in there."

Once again, Maya obeyed, pouring the coins and rupees onto the table. "We've got... 500 golds, 242 rupees, 120 blues, and 42 reds," Maya counted out. "Here-"

She attempted to push it towards him, but Mario shook his head. "Put it back in the bag," he spoke softly. "It's yours."

"Huh?" Maya raised her eyebrows.

Link blinked. "Mario, I know you've got this weird thing going on right now, but if you seriously just _hand over_ that much money, I'll have to shoot these two dead on principle!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS GOING TO BE OKAY-" Lucas panicked.

Mario raised his voice up again. "Don't worry, Lucas, everything _is_ going to be okay! Link, shut the _hell_ up! I'm not 'just handing over' this money- I'm buying something for it." Glancing at Maya, he said, "Ask me what I'm buying, Top Knot."

"What- what are you buying?"

Mario leaned forward again. "I'm buying your life," he explained. "There are a lot of ways this could end, but this is the way I'm leaning towards- you take that money, take the bag, leave this case, and leave."

"But... but why?" Maya asked.

Mario gave another small laugh. "Someone's got a fireball on you, offers you a way out, and you're going to _question it_?" Shaking his head, he continued. "Well, can't blame you too much. Why not take my money back? Why not take all the money and just kill you? And honestly, a few months ago, I'd probably think that, too. But this morning, I saw something- something that's gone a long way towards changing my perspective." Looking back up at Link, he spoke slowly. "There's no need to be afraid, ma peche, lest you make me feel like a péché myself."

All around the theater, everyone fell silent as he spoke. Every last audience member, other actor, even the Master Hand and Gamer4, trembling beneath him, listened as he spoke. "I've been saying that for... many years now. I didn't even think about what it meant- it was just a thing to say before I executed a winnicot, you know? Smeg, 'peche' and 'péché' are the only two words of French I know- 'peach' and 'sin.' And now that I really think about what I'm actually saying... I realize why I never wanted to think to hard about it.

"I've been a killer all that time, in the service of a man whose whole business is lying and killing. Never did I think of myself as a péché, but looking back, that's all I've been. The world is rough, and I've only been joining the pack in making it worse. People say, 'life's hard, you just need to suck it up and keep going,' but I don't think that's true. Not anymore. People just say that as an excuse to lay down and not even try to make the world better. Not me. Not anymore. I've been a péché my whole life, but I think, if I honestly try, that I may be able to be a peche instead. And maybe... that's what the world really needs."

Slowly, Mario reached up and closed his hand, extinguishing the fire. "Take the bag, and go. In peace."

Maya and Lucas, moving slowly, and still conscious of Link's crossbow, took the bag, and headed off-stage, each looking incredibly shaken. Looking around, Link crossed to Mario. "Maybe... maybe we should go."

"You know, Link, that's the first sensible thing you've said all day," Mario nodded, standing, picking up the case, and running off-stage, Mario in his wake.

XXXX

As the curtain fell for the final time, Gamer4 gave a slight smile, even through his mouthful of broken teeth, at the audience's applause. "They liked it," he said quietly. "They really liked it!"

"Or it could just be polite applause for one of the most contrived, ridiculous plays in history," came Lucina's voice, drawing both the Master Hand and Gamer4's attention to where the actors were coming in.

"Great speech at the end there, Mario!" Kirby grinned. "That had to be the most... er... what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Hipster?" Meta Knight suggested, smirking.

"Yeah, right! Hipster speeches I've ever heard!"

"Shut up, I'm not the one who wrote it!" Mario pointed out. "Had to work with what I was given!"

"And, of course, the real one to get all this trouble started is this little winnicot here!" Dark Pit growled, causing Gamer4 to gulp.

"Come on, guys, let's be reasonable, here- you _did_ have some fun, didn't you?"

"That's not the point," Robin shook his head. "You caused a lot of trouble for us, this week. Assaulting our headmaster, taking his place and making him look like a winnicot in front of everybody..."

"Threatening to expel us all if we didn't go along with your stupid game," Link added.

"And operating one of the worst plays in history without even understanding the basics of theater!" Luigi growled. Everyone turned to stare at him. "What?"

Gamer4 gulped. "Yeah, that's... that's all true, but you're forgetting one thing... WHAT THE SMEG IS THAT?!"

Everyone turned to see what he was pointing at, and by the time they looked back, Gamer4 was gone.

"Well, crud, he got away," Bowser growled. "And just when I was planning on _really_ sinking my claws into that winnicot."

"Oh, don't worry, he'll be back," Shulk muttered.

"Oh, what, because you saw it happening?" Link asked skeptically.

"No, I don't _need_ to be a seer to guess that," Shulk smiled. "That idiot will be back, no doubt about it."

The Master Hand cleared his throat. "Well, that's a wrap, I suppose! Let's just... let's all just get to bed, shall we?"

There was no disagreement among them, so they all began filing out.

XXXX

Mario, Link, Zelda, Lucina, Robin, Waluigi, and Shulk, as it turned out, wound up walking through the halls together. Link and Lucina were bonding surprisingly quickly, now that they'd found a common ground... of swordplay. Finally, they left Lucina and her crew at the entrance to Sierra's hub.

"See you guys around," Lucina smiled.

"Yeah, if you ever need help from Sierra's side, you'll know who to call," Robin agreed, shifting from male to female as they watched.

"Whatever Lucina and Robin do, Waluigi follows!" the spindly purple man concurred.

"Yeah, sure, like we'd ever need help from Sierra," Link smirked.

"And like we'd go out of our way to help a bunch of Nintendrones," Lucina shot back good naturedly. The two grabbed each other's hands in midair, and the next thing, Lucina turned and the three stepped through the wall into their hub.

As the rest turned and began ascending up the stairs, Mario spoke up. "There's just one thing I don't understand."

"One thing?" Link repeated incredulously. " _I'm_ still wondering why _Mr. Clairvoya_ over here couldn't foresee all the trouble this thing would be."

"I don't see on command," Shulk shrugged. "Just brief glimpses." Turning to Mario, he added, "But you were saying?"

"Yeah, I think I have the same question," Zelda nodded, glancing at Mario. "In your scene, when you were seeing Lucina off in Bowser's store... where'd you get that sign from?"

"Sign?" Shulk repeated.

"Yeah, this sign," Mario nodded. He raised his hand in the air, imitating the sign- pinky, ring, and middle fingers curled down, allowing his index finger and thumb to form a backwards L-shape. "What was that?"

"Well, it's the sign of the SOM Brigade, isn't it?" Shulk raised his eyebrows. "I thought you guys, of all people, would understand it."

"S...SOM Brigade?" Mario raised his eyebrows. "No... we've never heard of such a thing..."

Shulk blinked. "What- wait, we haven't done that yet?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, crud... spoilers. I wasn't supposed to bring it up... um... IhavethingsIneedtodo,Ijustrememberedjustnow,gottago,kaythanksbye!" With that, he turned and rushed off, leaving everyone behind completely bemused.

"What was his problem?" Zelda asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no, I'm done," Mario muttered. "No more plot threads, we're ending this here. All I want to do right now is go to sleep."

 _XXXX_

Maybe kind of an awkward place to cut it, but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. And so ends this crazy story of six chapters! Like I said, this was only ever intended to be a brief side-story, just for fun. It feels strange, not having anything to say in the endnotes of a final chapter, but... I have nothing to say. It doesn't really _feel_ like a final chapter, because really, this is all part of _Bottle of Lightning,_ which will continue on after this! Maybe this story got you interested, maybe you came here because of _Bottle,_ maybe... maybe a lot of stuff. I just hope you guys enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was all, as usual, in good fun.

Alright, credits, credits, credits. As usual, I'll have the character, their game of origin, and the person they were playing- as far as _Pulp Fiction_ goes. And, just for funsies, I'll put in the characters I had in mind when this was going to be a _Fairy Tail_ story- though I didn't have every character picked out. They'll be in brackets, with a ? for the characters I never decided on. Since I don't really have anything else to say, I'll go ahead and sign of afterwards, alright? One last time, hope you guys enjoyed the story, now let's have the credits, in order of appearance (playwise) please!

Maya Fey (Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney) as 'Pumpkin.' [?]

Lucas (Mother 3) as 'Honey Bunny' [?]

Mario Mario (Super Mario Bros.) as Jules Winnfield [Gray Fullbuster]

Link Faron (Legend of Zelda) as Vincent Vega [Natsu Dragneel]

Kirby (Kirby) as Brett [?]

Meta Knight (Kirby) as 'Flock of Seagulls' [?]

Peach (Super Mario Bros.) as Marvin [Happy]

Shulk (Xenoblade) as Marsellus Wallace [Erza Scarlett]

Lucina (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as Butch Coolidge [Gajeel Redfox]

Pit (Kid Icarus) as Lance [?]

Zelda Hyrule (Legend of Zelda) as Mia Wallace [Lisanna Strauss]

Male Robin (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as Captain Koons [Metalicana]

Dark Pit (Kid Icarus: Uprising) as Fabienne [Levy McGarden]

Wario (WarioWare, WarioLand) as Maynard [?]

Bowser (Super Mario Bros.) as Zed [?]

Waluigi (Mario sports games) as the Gimp [?]

Teddy (Mother, Earthbound Beginnings) as Man 4 [?]

Luigi (Super Mario Bros.) as Jimmy Dimmick [Lucy Heartfilia]

Female Robin (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as Winston Wolf [Gildarts Clive]

Birdgirl (?) as Bonnie Dimmick [Loke]

Yeah, as you can tell, the Fairy Tail idea was kind of half-baked... hence why, among other things, I went with this instead! Anyways, wrapping everything up, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


End file.
